Thursday, December 30, 2010

In Case You Missed It

I say a lot of dumb things. Maybe years from now, psychologists can look at some of the things I've said, and conclude, "...well, there's your problem!". On the other hand, maybe future generations will study my writings and build a new society from the rubble of the old one, (and God help us all if this happens).

Most of my comments are posted as short silly Facebook Status Updates. Sometimes the world annoys and frustrates me, or sometimes I'm just making a nerd-inspired observation about the world around me. In the end, I always hope that I can make someone agree, or at the very least smile just a bit.

And please don't think this is a form of narcissism, or arrogance! One of the main reasons I'm doing this, is so I don't accidentally start repeating myself. But if you do find something you particularly enjoy, and want to use, I only ask that you give me credit, (cause I'm not making any money from this! But if you should feel so inclined...).

So it is with great pride, and shame I have logged a general digest of stupidity for you, in what I like to call:

In Case You Missed It

The next time you feel down and depressed, remember that someone somewhere in the world, touched themselves sexually thinking about you...
June 23, 2009 at 9:25pm

My entire life consists of never ending dorky useless projects I create for myself. Is that inspiring, or disturbing?
June 28, 2009 at 12:50pm

Maybe one day, I'll be as cool as my glasses
July 4, 2009 at 3:31am

WHY are fireworks the same as they were 30 years ago?!? I want NEW Firework technology dammit!!
July 4, 2009 at 9:40pm

I like to think everyone dislikes me. It makes me try harder to impress, and I'm never upset when I discover I'm right. And imagine how happy and surprised I am to learn someone DOES like me!
July 9, 2009 at 3:03am ·

Should I be concerned or happy if my mono mix sounded stereo tonight?
July 10, 2009 at 2:52am

I totally rule... whenever I'm not busy sucking
July 11, 2009 at 8:50am

Does everyone else want to smash their car repeatedly into the bumper of a car with a 'Baby on Board' sign, or is it just me?
July 13, 2009 at 1:40am

Always wondered what Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, The Doors, Stevie Ray Vaughn etc would have sounded like without all the drugs and alcohol...
July 21, 2009 at 12:04pm

I'm always concerned about leaving fingernail clippings or strands of hair laying around cause I KNOW someone will use them to clone me and then I'm screwed! Yes, this is what its like living in my head...
August 13, 2009 at 7:53pm

Bad news - Turns out I'm not nearly as cool as everyone thinks. Heartbreaking as it may be for you, please try to continue like nothing has changed...
August 14, 2009 at 9:57pm

Things always seem a bit funnier by adding 'again' at the end of it. For example: "the town is being over-run by zombies... again" Or: "I accidentally killed one of those hookers... again"
August 24, 2009 at 1:02pm

I played tech support for my dad's computer problems tonight. He said he has Windows XP Professional version. I explained this was too much for him, and he needed to get Windows XP Idiots version. I am now up for adoption...
August 28, 2009 at 4:34am

Back to the eye doctor again today. Maybe soon I will be able to see all you people... and run fleeing in terror
September 1, 2009 at 12:16pm

Oh why am I cursed with having so many good looking sexy attractive friends??? Especially you!
September 12, 2009 at 10:40am

If you're a guy and your boobs are big enough to fill a bra, KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON PLEASE!!!
September 14, 2009 at 5:54pm

You think I'm a nerd??? Have you met some of my friends here? I'm an amateur!!
September 16, 2009 at 1:46pm

The best thing to happen to Chris Brown is Kanye West
September 16, 2009 at 9:51pm

Today I learned the economy sucks. Why hasn't someone warned me about this??? Someone should tell news broadcasters!
September 17, 2009 at 5:43pm

I don't need drugs or alcohol... I feel drunk and stoned all the time naturally.
September 30, 2009 at 3:01pm

I've been trying to be a sound engineer long enough. Its time for me to quit and just walk the earth, looking for adventures and solving mysteries. Who do I send the resume to for that?
October 2, 2009 at 12:56pm

Finding a needle in a haystack is easy... dive in, roll around and wait for it to poke you in the ass.
October 4, 2009 at 9:42am

Does anyone else think when they see a guy wearing really baggy pants, it looks like a dress? Someone should maybe tell them...
October 6, 2009 at 6:46pm

I remember when I had thousands of people cheering for me. Those were the days...
October 9, 2009 at 7:42pm

Today, I was convinced I was losing my grasp of reality. Then I wondered, did I ever really have a firm grasp of it to begin with?
October 10, 2009 at 3:41pm

Why yes, I do know why the chicken crossed the road. But legally I am not permitted to disclose that information at this juncture. Please fill out the proper Chicken Crossing Query forms or contact your nearest Poultry Motivation Official.
October 11, 2009 at 1:42pm

Indiana's state bird is the cardinal. I never saw one there, but in Florida, I see one almost daily. Do they know something we don't? And why do we have state birds?? Why not state dogs? State cats? State lizards? State spiders??
October 12, 2009 at 4:41pm

Why aren't there any cover versions of 'Happy Birthday' recorded? I would love to hear it with like a kick ass guitar or drum solo, or like a trippy DJ remix maybe...
October 15, 2009 at 11:46pm

The weather is changing. I know because my foot really hurts where I had my surgery last year. Either that, or the stuff he filled the bone with has decided to tunnel its way out...
October 16, 2009 at 10:53pm

I've turned my brain off for the entire weekend, so if there's something you need, sdflkasj;an,n.zxo mas,xc,l lk,,op o,.q.
October 17, 2009 at 9:40pm

My success and failure recently seems to depend greatly on how my hair looks, (sorry bald guys, short haired guys and fuzzy headed guys... you can't understand my pain)
October 19, 2009 at 5:38pm

I am convinced that whenever I lose something trivial, its people from the future coming back to steal small unimportant items from me to showcase in a classroom or a museum. "...And Deeesher often used this 'cap' on what we believe is called a PEN. We can only guess what these 'pens' were used for..."
October 21, 2009 at 8:13am

If I accidentally swipe my credit card at the guard gate, will they charge me to work here?
October 26, 2009 at 5:32pm

Okay, seriously... you're a woman and you walk around with a thick mustache... WHY are you not doing something about this?!?
October 27, 2009 at 1:31am

Someone seriously needs to consolidate all these vampire stories/movies/TV series into one, cause I can't keep track of all the vampire rules and character backgrounds. Maybe we can at least narrow it down to two, one sappy and romantic for the girls, one kick ass and sexy for the guys. Can the government regulate this please???
October 28, 2009 at 9:54am

Just saw Waldo driving west on I-4 in a Taurus. Weird cause I would think he would be driving in a luxury car by now if not even in a limo...
October 30, 2009 at 5:53pm

I hate the word 'pre-owned'. Since nobody likes the word 'used' either, maybe there is another choice. Unwanted? Unloved? I could sell a thousand cars right now if I market them as Unwanted and Unloved....
November 6, 2009 at 10:48am

Tonite, Billy Ocean finally came out of my dreams... and into my venue.
November 7, 2009 at 2:45am

I wanna be a douchebag too... everyone else is doing it!
November 19, 2009 at 11:18am

What the hell are you people staring at! This is perfectly natural....
November 20, 2009 at 11:59am

I feel so disorganized. Send in the clones!
November 23, 2009 at 3:09pm

Virtually everything we own is becoming virtual...
November 24, 2009 at 11:17am

Its so much easier to write about the world than to deal with it...
November 29, 2009 at 11:06am

But wait, there's more!
To be continued...


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Greetings Programs...

Growing up, I never liked Disney. There... I said it. No, I haven't been brainwashed by Universal, but honestly, fairy tales and pixie dust just aren't my thing. However, occasionally Disney does slap together something impressive and non-animated, such as The Black Hole (1979), Dragonslayer (1980), and more recently The Pirates of the Caribbean series.

There is one particular Disney movie that has always been near and dear to my heart... Tron (1982).

Sure Tron was released years before I was born (as far as you know!), but it's a classic because it told an interesting and original (and fun!) story about what happens inside your computer. It stood out because it was the first movie to use computer effects to tell a story, which obviously spoke to computer geeks around the world.

Now almost thirty years later, we finally have a sequel: Tron Legacy.

Is it compatible with today's OS, or was it as painful as a blue screen of death... In 3-D...?

The story involves young Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund), who hasn't seen his father, Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges, and our hero from the first Tron) since he was a little brat. Sam grows up to be a bigger brat, pretty much hating 'the man' and fighting the evil establishment that his father's company has become, until one day he discovers how dangerous it is to click 'yes' on every pop-up on your computer. He accidentally gets transported into The Grid (aka inside the world of computers), and forced to play games to survive.

Fortunately for us, he finds his dad pretty much living as a Zen Monk. Unfortunately for everyone in The Grid, one of Flynn's older programs is seeking to destroy all imperfections... Including Users, (aka all of us).

Okay, it's not a great plot, (didn't we see Star Trek do this storyline once before?), but it's good enough to amuse my feeble brain, and it was nice to see some homage's to the original movie as well, (some more obscure than others). Just don't expect huge surprises or wild plot twists... Remember, this is still Disney folks.

What helps the story move nicely is Jeff Bridges, whether real or CGI, he is still very cool and managed to find the same spirit of the character he created in 1982. Another nice choice was actor Garrett Hedlund. Sure they could have picked Johnny Depp, or Shia Lebouf... But thank God they didn't! It was kinda nice seeing an unknown get a big break, and he was very believable as Kevin Flynn's son.

However the biggest nerdgasm goes to the effects! I reluctantly saw this in 3-D, (and we know how much I looooove that *cough*). But this time it worked! Unlike other 3-D attempts of the past, I could enjoy the action, and still kept things in perspective (pun intended). In your face Avatar!

I have total respect for the effects team, and conceptual artists for doing what they needed to do. They took the original 1982 ideas, and improved, not 're-imagined' them. And huge thumbs up to director Joseph Kosinski for letting me see the action, and feel completely immersed in The Grid, without any painful fast closeups and quick edits, or shadows trying to hide the beautiful world they created. My 125 minutes in the theater flew by!

Let us not forget the soundtrack by Daft Punk, adding the perfect tones to the visuals. In addition to the intense thundering sound effects of the giant Recognizer ships and light cycles, I think my eyes and ears discovered every frequency on the spectrum. I left the theater with the most exciting headache ever!

But... the reason you all hate me, is because somehow with all the surrounding coolness, I still find flaws, (however minor they may be). The movie is known as Tron, but we don't get as much from Tron (Bruce Boxleitner) as I would have liked. Sure he makes some appearances, but somehow I wanted a bit more.

And if I'm really nitpicking... the moment Sam gets zapped into The Grid was a bit anticlimactic for me. It just sort of happened, like an afterthought. As if maybe they spent all their money on other effects, and didn't consider for one moment the transition between our world and theirs should be a bit more momentous.

But what do I know...

I still can't decide between Quorra (Olivia Wilde)

And Gem (Beau Garrett)

And I know what you're thinking, “...Deeesher! Those outfits couldn't possibly be tighter!”. Oh yes... yes, I think they could be.

End of line.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Fat Man Cometh...

Holy crap, is it that time of year again??? Its like we celebrate Christmas every year or something. Ooops... sorry, I mean "The Holidays", because it seems the "C-Word" has become a dirty word.

If I sound a bit cynical towards "The Holidays", maybe its because I am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the concept, its just our follow-through that seems to suck.

But lets look at how many more accidents there are on the roads at this time of year. Or how about the 'holiday cheer' being spread in any of the malls as people frantically push and shove each other for the last remaining PS3, so little eight year old Timmy can play Grand Theft Auto IV, despite the game being rated M, for Mature (18 years and up).

Let's look at all those joyous souls going deeper in debt so they can make someone happy... so they themselves can be miserable for the rest of the year as they continue to get late notices for their credit card bill and eventually have to shut off the cable, *cringe*.

Or how about all the endless feelings of stress and obligation everyone feels to visit the malls, and family and friends and bring them the perfect gift, or prepare the perfect meal. Or the frustration of employees trying to arrange for time off work, or angry demanding customers screaming in their face because they can't give them exactly what they want or need.

How about the incredibly high suicide rate during "The Holidays"? Does that do anything for ya homes?

Despite the fact that Christmas was intended as a Christian holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus, we as a society have twisted this into something... unnatural. Something called Santa Claus, (...insert dramatic music here). Maybe its because December 25th was originally a Pagan holiday celebrating winter. Is all the evil and negativity in the world simply God's way of saying "...pick another day dumbass"?

Well, I for one do not need a calendar to tell me to do something nice for others.

But maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have a personal grudge against this time of year. A grudge that can be traced back to a single moment in grade school in the small mid-western town I grew up in.

I was in the front of the school bus, sitting with my best friend, Scott. We were in a heated debate over the existence of The Claus. I always knew there was no such thing as Santa. Maybe my parents didn't want to give me a twisted sense of reality. Or maybe I was just smart enough to figure out there is no way in hell its possible... since we had no fireplace for him to use. Or maybe its because I was nosy and had a bad habit of finding my presents before they were wrapped anyway.

While my friend and I endlessly debated, I decided to finish it and pulled out my trump card... ask an adult. In hind-sight, I should have known better than to ask a bus driver... but he was the only one around.

You can imagine the Christmas chill I felt when this obvious Harvard graduate bus driver told my friend and I, there IS a Santa. From that day forth, I swore I would have my revenge...!

For those reading with children, and you have chosen this moment to bring them into the real world... I present the following foray into logic, (which I did NOT write by the way... but I wish I had):

Santa Claus:

An Engineering Analysis

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop our of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh an move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75« million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 time the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, the conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Enjoy your eggnog,

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

To John, with Love

I'm a 'Beatles person', as opposed to an 'Elvis person', (see Pulp Fiction deleted scene with Uma Thurman and John Travolta for details. In a nutshell, you can like Beatles and Elvis, but you always prefer one over the other). Which is funny, because my parents are Elvis people, but I never really understood why.  He was a performer, and didn't even write his own songs, (but don't try and tell an 'Elvis person' that).
Growing up in an Elvis house, I never got exposed to the Beatles. Of course I knew the classics like Hey Jude, and Let it Be, but I never heard Norwegian Wood, or I am the Walrus until I was 18. I truly feel, the songs that John and Paul put together are some of the most original, and catchy songs ever written/recorded, and Abbey Road is one of the best albums of all times.
I also believe John Lennon was one of the most fascinating people of all time. He was far from perfect, (as his exploits are documented often), but he had a gift, and a vision. Over the years, I have studied the Beatles, and John Lennon, (if you want to know more about John, watch the movie Imagine), and learned a great deal of respect and appreciation for him. That is why the following story is so special to me, even if it may not be true.
When I moved to the Orlando area, from Ft Lauderdale, I began searching for many things, like a decent place to find comic books. Because I didn't know the area that well, I went to a comic shop that was right around the corner from where I lived. It was a small place, and they didn't have a lot of the comics I collect, but I was desperate for my fix, so I kept going there.
One day, I was in his shop, and I saw on the floor the album Meet The Beatles mixed in with Frampton Comes Alive and Rumours, and other assorted cheese. I commented to the shop owner and asked if he knew what he had just laying on the floor, and he said
"...yes, are you a fan?"
I said yes, and he said,
"...hold on, I'll show you something."
From the back room, he pulls out the album Imagine and a wool lined wooden cup with glasses in it. He said he got these things from a guy who owed him money, and this was collateral until he could pay him, and here is his story:
Apparently, the guy got these items when he was staying in a hospital. One day an older man comes by and asks if he has an empty bed in his room, cause he was unhappy with his current hospital roommate. The guy said sure. A few days later, John Lennon came by to visit the older man. He thanked the guy for letting him stay in the room with him, and gave him an autographed album, and the wool cup with the glasses. John said they were an old prescription, so he didn't wear them anymore, and he could have them.
This was what the comic shop owner pulled out from the back room. I looked at the autograph on the album, and I have seen John's autograph, so I did recognize it, (although I am not a handwriting expert). The interesting thing about the autograph was what it said:
"To Mike, Love John Lennon"
It didn't say to Bob, or Jim, or Bill... it said 'To Mike'. Wow! I felt as if he had written it to me, (I know it wasn't... but hey, isn't it cool to think it was?)
And then came possibly the single most coolest moment of my life. I pulled out the glasses. They were the same glasses you see in the video for the song Imagine. They were yellow/gold tinted with round frames. I carefully put them on, and could feel my hands shaking when I did. I was looking through the eyes of John Lennon! They were a very thick prescription. It hurt to try and see, but as I looked down, I imagined holding a guitar, and standing in front of thousands of people at Shea Stadium. I took them off and gently put them back into the wool cup. I think it took a week to wipe the grin off my face.
I don't know if these were really John Lennon's glasses or not. It seems odd that something so significant would be sitting around a small comic shop in the middle of nowhere, and that a man would simply give someone these things as collateral... but remember, the name of the song?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Exposing Politicians... But Not in a Gross Way!

I hate talking about politics. I mean I really REALLY hate talking about politics. Because people are so painfully passionate about their views and convinced they are absolutely right, and everyone else is wrong. Most friendly debates just turn ugly because many people are so close-minded towards any type of suggestions that conflict with their own views. I try to avoid negativity and conflict, cause I want to get along with everyone, (delusional? Maybe, but it's um.... how I roll. Sorry you had to hear me use that phrase), and I really don't need the stress. So the two topics I generally avoid are politics and religion. I had a history teacher in high school that refused to talk about his political views because he said they should be very private and personal (*insert obvious sexual innuendo here*). As much as I disliked that history teacher, I really think that is a healthy way of thinking.

But the recent elections have inspired me, not in a good warm fuzzy sort of way, but in a why won't that rash go away sort of way. Partly because of what I saw on the TV and news daily (hourly!), and partly because of many comments on Facebook that seem uncomfortably hateful. Sure we are all frustrated with how things are done but I don't think you can blame ONE person or ONE party for ALL the problems in the world. And the one thing that I hate more than discussing religion or politics is outright stupidity and hate.

One specific party does not have all the answers. There I said it. Just because your candidate/party won this years election, don't expect to wake up in a million dollar home tomorrow. Don't expect people to miraculously get out of debt overnight. Don't expect the angels to start singing over the White House, (wait, that sounded like a religious comment. Sorry!). One problem is nobody is working together to a common goal. The people in power are constantly blocking others and making excuses why we can't do this or why we can't do that. Therefore forward momentum stops. As Gallagher pointed out years ago: “If "con" is the opposite of "pro", does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress .”

But the biggest issue we can NOT defeat in politics is money, power and misinformation.

A month or two ago, I made a silly joke about how politicians should earn minimum wage. One friend mentioned that politics was never intended to be a career, and after really thinking about it, that does make a lot of sense. With a simple modest paycheck, we could see who really cares and isn't just looking for the biggest endorsement. Every one of them will say anything to get elected, and once in office, just do whatever the heck they want, (“...Yay, I won! Now bring on the hookers!”).

Another issue that seems to be getting progressively worse each election year, is all the bashing of each candidates opponent. I am a firm believer that all this mudslinging in a political campaign needs to be illegal, so maybe we can hear what the candidates have in mind instead of just hearing how evil their opponent is. Whether taken out of context, misquoted, or maybe someone was just having a bad day. It just sucks hearing about Candidate X is eating babies, or Candidate Y is trying to kill you. How can you in good conscience vote for anyone in this scenario???

But who would put either a minimum wage proposal, or an anti-mudslinging proposal on a ballet? Nobody because it's how they thrive!

Now let's talk about the 'lower level' elections, (judges, sheriffs, superintendents etc), where all the bigger politicians get started. Most 'normal' Americans are never going to take the time and effort to truly research these people unless it's your friend running for the office. Most everyone is (unfortunately) lazy and needs to be spoon-fed the information, generally from the media... And we know how trustworthy that is!

But how can we get the entire country to get off their collective asses and do some research? You can't. It's a challenge for most people to put down their beer, bong, and/or crack-pipe, get off the couch and go to work some days. So what's the alternative? Blindly vote ALL Republican or all Democrat? Both parties are disgustingly antiquated. The ideals and concepts they started over 200 years ago worked well but we as a nation have grown up (and out?), and sadly the system does not fit so well in our society anymore, and even our girdle is busting it's seams. We see the proof of this every day. If the system worked so well, we would not be TRILLIONS of dollars in debt, seeing such huge unemployment rates, disgustingly high foreclosure rates and... how many wars are we in now? This all started long before Democrats took office.

The current system is flawed, and everyone blindly says “Get out and vote! It's our right and honor and privilege etc!” But how wise is it to fund this crook or that crook just to help them buy a new Lexus or another private jet, (ask McCain how many homes he has), while we get more and more frustrated and angry. And if someone does have the heart and soul to do the job correctly, they will be quickly overlooked and buried by the power and money and mass corruption currently in control.

Yes people are angry, and yes we need help, but these wild attacks on a specific party or one specific politician is not the answer. Just cause Fox News said it, doesn't mean its true, “These are not the droids you're looking for, and you really hate Democrats don't you...”.

Has Obama screwed up? Well, so far there are no dead hookers that I have heard about but maybe he is far from perfect *gasp*. Although I doubt you were perfect at every job you've ever had, (sadly his job is a bit more public). But people were angry and frustrated long before Democrats took over the White House, and they will be angry long after they leave. Did Bush screw up? Well... yes... but maybe the problem is much deeper, and maybe just MAYBE Obama wants to help and do the right thing. Or maybe he is the anti-Christ... could go either way.

Sorry I'll get off my soap box now, but I will accept endorsements... And I have never been caught with a dead hooker, nor have I ever wanted to eat a babies.

Now who wants to talk about religion...?

My name is Deeesher and I approve this blog.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Heavy Metals

I recently got this very cool Moviefone app for my phone. With a quick punch of a button, I can see what's playing, show times, theaters, and even running times. Sure, I do miss the manly '...Hello! And welcome to Moviefone!' voice, but if I say it myself every time I use the app, it sort of makes up for it... because I sound that happy and manly too.

I used this app when I was looking for the IMAX version of Iron Man 2. With a spring in my step, I made my way to my local IMAX theater, only to discover one important flaw with my super-cool new app... It doesn't show am or pm! Surprise! Oh sure, I could have found another theater, or came back much much later, but it's rare I get out in public, and I didn't want to find that kind of courage to leave my home again. So I had to see Iron Man 2 on a frumpy old regular tiny baby-sized movie screen! How could I really enjoy a movie of this magnitude like that! I was obviously very concerned, and it didn't help that everyone had already told me how great this movie is, (and I have found if you have such huge-o-mongous expectations for a movie, it's guaranteed to disappoint!).

Despite all those hurdles and hardships for me to overcome, I freakin' loved it! Oh let me count the ways...

The story was fun and simple enough: Tony Stark deals with being a corporate success, as well as a superhero, with tons of money, and hot chicks, all while battling politics and people that want to kill him. The way his life mirrored my own was eerie!

It also helped that it was an action movie where you could see the action*gasp*! Jon Favreau rules! He figured out that a shaky camera, and ultra-fast edits, with the camera up the actors nose, just doesn't work! I hope other directors can get the hint...*COUGH*j.j. abrams*COUGH*michael bay*COUGH*
Robert Downey Jr, continues to be a very flawed and eccentric hero who is as much fun to watch this time as he was in the first Iron Man. And of course every hero needs a good memorable bad guy. This time, we get TWO! Both different, but you love to hate them all the same. Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko (Whiplash) who has come a long way from the pervert of 9 ½ Weeks, and Sam Rockwell (who we saw most recently going insane on the Moon), as the satisfyingly annoying Justin Hammer.

Oh and did I mention hot chicks? TWO yet again! Yummy Gwenyth Paltrow, (Pepper Pots), and equally as yummy Scarlett Johansson as the ass kicking Natalie Romanoff wearing her super sexy tight catsuit, (aka Black Widow, for the nerd elite).

I really liked the first Iron Man, but was 2 better? My crack staff of research scientists crunched all the numbers, and concluded... not quite! But it was a very close race! Mostly because his origin story felt very inspiring and I loved seeing the first time he did some ass kicking.

Be sure to keep a close eye on this movie for more sneak peeks of the upcoming Avengers movie to be released in 2012. Personally, I think with so much build-up, and so many characters, this is destined to suck! Hey, is that a huge crowd of nerds gathering outside with torches and pitchforks shouting obscenities at me?

Maybe this will slow them down a bit...


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Kick Me

You kids have it sooo easy! When I was your age *said while waving my cane at you*, being a comic book geek was not so popular! I used to dream of a day when we would have 'kick ass' superhero movies. Now, after amazing hits like Spider-man, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, X-Men, Batman, (etc), I find myself seeing previews for a new comic adaptation and saying...WTF, another one?!?

That was my feeling when I saw the previews for Kick-Ass, (by the way, can I say that without offending anyone? Kick-Butt? Kick-Backside? Kick-Bottom? Kick-Buttocks?). Based on a comic book published by one of Marvel Comics lesser known divisions (Icon), my crack research staff (aka Wikipedia) has assured me that it is fairly close to the original storyline. But, while I am very excited about Iron Man 2, and a few other more 'traditional' superhero movies, Kick-Ass just looked goofy to me. I know, maybe it's supposed to be goofy, but I thought it sort of looked like Mystery Men (awesome but goofy Ben Stiller superhero movie), only not as funny. There are just so many mainstream comics with great storyline's, I just couldn't get excited about a silly one.

But generally, if you're not expecting too much from a movie, they usually catch you by surprise and impress the hell out of you. And it's true, I did enjoy it, but I do have some issues with it.

The story involves an average high school nobody, Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) who wakes up one morning and says, "...I think I want to be a superhero, even though I'm a total wuss, with no fighting experience, or special weapons or powers or anything!".

Total respect for their examining my life in high school so closely, but (for me anyway), common sense always kicks in before getting your ass kicked... or even shot in the face. Bonus points for having your heart in the right place and wanting to do something about crime and injustice, but minus a million points for proving you're a freakin' moron!

And it didn't help there was nothing to grab me and make me root for him! No parents killed when he was walking home with them in a dark alley. No uncle shot by a bad guy he could have stopped. Not even a disability he was struck with and trying to overcome! I didn't care about our hero at all. This was one of the problems I had with Ang Lee's Hulk. I didn't care about Banner. But yet watch the 1978 television's The Incredible Hulk, and in the first episode, in the first two minutes, you care about this guy! I needed something to pull me in and captivate me, and reliving high school's woes was not enough for me. I wrote silly poems... he puts on a mask. Get over it kid.

But I know what you're saying (being psychic is one of my powers), "...but Deeesher, remember this is just a silly movie!".

Or is it?

There were some funny moments yes, but it does take some very serious turns. Which brings me to this soap box that I'm going to stand on for a bit...

What is a superhero? The underdog that wants to do the right thing. With great power comes great responsibility, but yet Kick-Ass says, "with no power comes no responsibility.". This is fine but maybe if your silly movie is taking so many serious turns, they need to remember you are still fighting for truth, justice and the American way. Are you really a true superhero if you stab all the bad guys or shoot them with a machine gun? Maybe Everyone was always eager for Wolverine to hack people to bits with his claws, but (unless things have changed recently), he never did. And maybe Punisher regularly shot people, but it's a well known fact he was unstable and seriously F'd up! The same could be said about Rorschach from Watchmen.

But I did say I enjoyed this movie! The narration was original and clever... oh wait, didn't we just do that a bit better in Zombieland last year? Anyway, the action was awesome, and seeing Hit-Girl (Chloe Moretz) kicking ass was fun. I liked the relationship with her and Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage). And did anyone else notice him channeling 1960's Adam West Batman's voice? Very funny! I was eager to hear him call someone 'citizen', or complain that some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. I also really liked Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), and think he had the best storyline. Although, he will always be McLovin to me.

Maybe most of you are thinking I am being too nit-picky. Maybe I was just offended that we had a superhero movie, but nowhere did we have hot sexy women in spandex. I guess the best way to sum up my feelings is quoting one of my favorite superhero battle cries... "Spoooooon!" The Tick... there was an awesome but silly superhero!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ask Alice...

In October 2000, a PC game was released called Amercan McGee's Alice, based loosely on the original Alice in Wonderland where Alice is a murderous psychotic. The game was okay, but the characters and story were amazing!

Tim burton's new movie was sadly not based on that game.

However, Burton does give us a very cool and twisted film!

I've always had a love/hate relationship with Burton. The love consists of Beetlejuice, and the hate... his re-imagining of Planet of the Apes. But he's won my affection this time by making Alice a very colorful artistic and fun movie. Visually, I think Burton has been making the same movie for over 20 years now, and seeing it in 3-D didn't really make it look much different or better, (*insert my rant about hating 3-D glasses here*).

But it helps when he hires the likes of (again) Johnny Depp (as The Mad Hatter), and (again) Helena Bonham Carter (playing awesomely over-the-top as the The Red Queen). Also Alan Rickman... will not... disappoint, (please read the previous line in your best Alan Rickman impersonation for the full effect) as The Blue Caterpillar. And it also helps that Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is quite a cutie!

The story is simple and straightforward, (although some of the dialogue is a bit difficult to follow because of some thick accents and many made up words), but it really makes you curious about reading the original books. Reading... What a concept!

Everyone knows I love to rip apart movies but I really can't find any flaws here, but at the same time I couldn't find any particular '!' moments either, but I still really enjoyed it.

Actually, there was one '...OMG OMG OMG!' moment in the version I saw. A preview for Tron 2: Legacy! I hope you excuse me as I giggle and clap like a little girl now...


Monday, March 22, 2010

The End is Near... Again!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel... exhausted. Because when the world finally ends, it will consist of lots of last minute pulse pounding escapes. Of course I'm talking about the DVD release of 2012.

Sure, I could have seen it in the theater but sometimes you just can't justify the expense for a movie that you're pretty sure is going to suck. And sometimes, seeing it in the comfort of your home makes a so-so movie, just a bit better.

Roland Emmerich loves destroying the world. He did it in Independence Day, and again in The Day After Tomorrow. This time we can blame earths destruction on ancient Mayan geologists who predicted the world would end on December 21, 2012. Apparently their computers were better than ours, cause we didn't figure it out until 2009 when this movie begins. I'd like to think ancient Mayans used a Mac.

Overall, 2012 looked very impressive, (maybe they should have tried the 3-D release? Although I am still cringing at the thought of 3-D nerd glasses!). It is important to shut off your brain while watching this movie because Mythbusters has easily disproved many of the action sequences... but its still fun to watch a Winnebago leap over a ten foot chasm etc. And don't get me wrong, not every scene is a fantastic escape! A few people unexpectedly die in this movie... give or take a few billion.

One of the people trying to survive is John Cusak, who finally makes an appearance after a much needed break from staring in every movie released from 1985 to 1992. And surprisingly, he acts exactly like John Cusak through the entire film. It was awesome to see Woody Harrelson as survivalist/conspiracy theorist, even if he didn't have to kill any zombies this time.

The biggest drawback of 2012, is that its long, (158 minutes!). Seriously?! It takes that long to destroy the earth?!? And when you're not balancing on the edge of your seat, we have intense moments of sap. I completely understand why those moments are needed but, they often just felt forced, uncomfortable and overly drawn out between the action.

None of that made it a bad movie though. There was however, one other glaring flaw. At one point, they are trying to save all the worlds great treasures. But I did not see anyone packing up my blogs! Oh where is the justice?!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Love Boat Conspiracy!

A friend of mine recently asked a very important question:
"If Captain Stubing was such a great Captain, why did he never commanded a starship like the Enterprise?"

Well young Bradley, I'm glad you asked. The Love Boat Conspiracy, (aka Love Boat-Gate) goes deep into the politics of 1970's television, (Fortunately these politics do not affect our tv today).

Conceptually ahead of it's time, (it would eventually inspire shows like Lost), week after week the crew of The Love Boat were desperately trying to find an island... Fantasy Island. Mr. Roarke, (Ricardo Montalban) kept his Fantasy Island well hidden so he could focus on his plans for world domination.  Those who followed Roarke knew him by another name... Khan Noonien Singh, (aka Khaaaaaaan!!!).

Each week, the crew of the Love Boat endured many dangerous trials as Khan constantly threw new challenges at them. Unfortunately many scenes were cut due to the network wanting to focus more on celebrity guests, feeling the character of Khan would never catch on.

In the final episode, the crew captures Khan moments before his attempt to launch nuclear missiles at the US and Russia. With unprecedented, never-before-seen burrowing skills, we learn how Gopher got his name, (Fred Grandy also did all his own stunts for the show), he managed to swing in from the shadows, stopping Khan at the last minute and finally imprisoning him and his army onto an experimental cryogenics ship called the Botany Bay.  They remained in suspended animation until Captain Kirk revives them years later, (as seen in the classic episode of Star Trek, Space Seed... originally titled Return of the Love Boat Villain).

Sadly, Captain Stubing, (Gavin MacLeod) was killed in the last episode when he discovered Doc, (Bernie Kopell) was a double agent, which is why he was not around to command a Federation starship.

Many years later, all the outtakes and deleted footage were buried and labeled classified after Gopher became a state senator, and were never seen again.

Yoda however never appeared... cause that would just be silly.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Have You Seen It Yet?!?

Six months ago, whenever I saw previews or a poster for this movie, I would say, "...this is what everyone will be talking about next year!", and they would look at me like a freak, (okay, maybe more than normal). But, as usual, I am a visionary, because six months later, I am sick of hearing about this movie!

Of course I am talking about the new James Cameron epic, Avatar.

The story is simple enough, (maybe too simple?). We the humans, continue to prove what jerks we are by trying to take over a planet we found and kicking out the natives. I'm sure there was a deleted subplot where the humans give them blankets infested with smallpox. We've seen this story before from Dances with Wolves, to Pocahontas, to Return of the Jedi, (remember the Ewoks?). It really is a fill in the blanks type of script. Someone please tell me why this won a Golden Globe Award for Best Drama?!?

I will however give this the Deeesher Stamp of Approval for a few things though.

Huge thumbs up to James Cameron for giving us a real sci-fi movie, with interesting, unusual environments, and strange, original looking creatures and aliens. Recently, we've seen lots of superhero movies, and lots of horror, but nothing good from outer space since last years Star Trek. And before that...?

Sam Worthington (the main good guy, Jake Sully) could have been replaced by a talking monkey, (maybe he would have been more interesting then?), but I did enjoy Zoe Saldana, (Neytiri). She apparently has the best agent in Hollywood, because last year she was Uhura on Star Trek. Also Stephen Lang, (Col. Quaritch) and Giovanni Ribisi (Parker Selfridge), made good bad guys you could enjoy hating. Oh and Sigourney Weaver (Dr. Augustine) was in it too I guess... whatever.

But the star of Avatar was the special effects. I see billions of awards being given to this movie for the effects.

Legally, you have to see this movie in Imax 3-D, or all your friends will verbally abuse you. I was a bit extra excited about seeing it since I finally got contacts that work, (cause I couldn't get the full effect of 3-D wearing glasses). I will admit, it looked freakin' awesome... most of the time. Unfortunately, there were times when I couldn't focus on the 3-D because of the action. I found myself thinking a few times, "...but I don't want it to be in 3-D anymore!".

Which brings me to another point. Why, in the year 2010, with all our flying cars, and personal robots, and weather control machines, why are we still using glasses to see 3-D?!? I was eager to see this amazing cutting edge film in a huge theater on a giant screen with my new contacts, only to sit there like a dork with hundreds of others wearing cheap plastic nerd-inspired glasses! Can someone get to work on this please?

In the meantime, I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Mmmmm Zoe...

*insert blue balls joke here*