Star Trek Beyond Review

Oh Star Trek, we've had such a convoluted history together.  You might say my relationship with you mirror's my feelings for Star Wars... or even Battlestar Galactica.  But let's not say that for now.  Instead, let's just say... it shouldn't be this way. If all these great franchises would just listen to me and stay reasonably close to their source material, they would still be awesome!  

But sadly, we have idiots that either don't respect the original concepts, or they're arrogant to think they can improve on what came before *COUGH*robert.orci*COUGH*jj.abrams*COUGH*

Now before you think I'm stuck in the past, I DO understand that things need to be updated for the times, and really I have no problem with some gentle tweaks. It just makes sense.  Case in point, Marvel movies have proven repeatedly that you can take heroes that are decades old, and make them fun and relevant today, but stay true to who they are and consistent with why they've been popular for so long.

So with that in mind, I'd like to present to you my three different reviews for Star Trek Beyond.  Three reviews because it seems everything today has to come in threes, and depending on your/my mindset, maybe you can agree with me in some capacity on at least one of them.  Oh stop complaining, I promise I'll be brief... ish.  Trust me, it'll all make sense in the end.

First off, let's do a basic surface review:

I'm very happy to report the third incarnation of this Trek, was NOT written by Robert Orci (aka clueless hack), and not directed by JJ Abrams (aka lens flare/shaky cam fetishist).  It was directed by Justin Lin, best known for directing the Fast and the Furious franchise... because really, at their core, that series is also sci-fi... apparently.

And visually Star Trek Beyond actually works.  It was well lit, with very little lens flare, and I could follow the action and story.  Although there was no groundbreaking directorial moments, it did the job successfully.

The story was written by Doug Jung (aka ???), and Simon Pegg, (aka Scotty in this Trek, and of course Shaun from Shaun of the Dead).  I know nothing about the other guy, but Simon Pegg has enough nerd cred, he could make it work.  And honestly he did okay!  I can easily say it is MUCH better than the previous Abrams Trek movies.  

But having said that... it's not going to win any awards either.  It felt more like a day in the life of the Enterprise crew, than a particularly epic theatrical release.  It also felt like they really wanted to jump on the Force Awakens bandwagon, because some aspects felt very Ep. VII-ish, and maybe even a bit Guardians of the Galaxy-ish too.  The story was decent, but not powerful.  The action was fun, but not spectacular.  The characters were good but not great.  And just to clarify, as much as I like most of the cast, I really, really still don't think Chris Pine is a good choice for Kirk.  There must be a million better charismatic actors that could have sat in that seat. 

The biggest problem I had is... the title. Star Trek Beyond.  Seriously???  What does that even mean???

So for a surface review, if you want a fun sci-fi action movie and really don't give a crap about previous versions of the series and you're not overly nerdy, but just sort of casually nerdy (aka geeky)... I give this 7.5 green skinned alien women out of 10. 

Review 2.0 - for the discriminating nerd:

Star Trek is a very unique franchise.  It's not about 'pew pew pew'.  Star Trek is supposed to make you think.  As much as I love Zachary Quinto, I was a bit offended by his comments recently about the original series.  Essentially, he said it was boring.  Oh Zach, you just don't get it, do you?  Don't worry though... You'll always be Sylar to me.

  The original series was written by actual science fiction novelists, (although generally fine tuned by DC Fontanta and/or Gene Roddenberry... and perhaps even Shatner).  The original series consisted of episodes like, a creature that can camouflage itself as someone you like, so it can get close enough to suck all the salt from your body.  Or a transporter malfunction splitting the captain into good and evil versions of himself.  Or getting trapped in the past and Kirk falling in love with a woman that has to die, or risk altering the timeline.  

Of course the series had some action, and heavy tension, but fundamentally, it was about exploration, and discovery. It had thought provoking, and unique situations to resolve. Many of the cool toys we have in the world today were inspired by the originality of Star Trek, because young nerds at the time said, "I want that for real!", so they figured out how to make it.  And with the invention Star Wars, you had a balance.  One franchise to fill the action/fantasy part of your brain, and the other could fill the intellectual/curiosity part of your brain.  So on that level, Star Trek Beyond fails.  

But let's look a bit deeper...

Someone tell me again WHY are Spock and Uhura a couple???  Do any of these people know anything about Pon Farr??  Okay, sure Sarek (Spock's father) hooked up with a human woman, and I'm sure there is a great reason/story behind it all.  But I would like some type of justification for Spock and Uhura to be together, because it never happened before.  You can't drop a bomb like that and have people just blindly accept it.  And don't give me this 'alternate timeline' crap either!  Just thirty seconds of explanation would help my tiny brain accept.  

And as much as I love Karl Urban as McCoy, there were things he was required to do in this movie that felt very out of character for him.  I understand why it was done, because he would have been useless otherwise.  But it felt very forced.  

And THIS is a phaser!

Phasers go 'pzzzzzzzzzzt', not 'pew pew' as Star Trek Beyond will have you believe!

And for the third time, no matter how you justify it... 20th and 21st century music does not belong in the 23rd century!!

Finally, were the nacelles a LOT closer together than they should have been?  Did someone bodyshame the Enterprise to look thinner?

So in the end, is this really Star Trek?  There were some nice homages and easter eggs for fans, but was it enough?  After Spock did some calculating, he determined there is actually only 34.639% Star Trek content in this movie.  So based on that, I give it 4 arched Vulcan eyebrows out of 10.

My third review will contain a big spoiler for the movie.  But I want to discuss it.  So if you'd like to stop reading here, let me leave Zoe Saldana (Uhura) pics here to leave enough space before moving on...

And now, review #3 - SPOILER ALERT!!

They blew it up!  Damn you!!  Damn you all to hell!

Well, in their insane desperation to follow the trajectory of the original films, they were apparently required by law to blow up the Enterprise.  To be absolutely honest, I have no problem with them sinking another ship.  But it was how they did it that really bothered me. The entire incident felt too casual.

The Enterprise is an integral member of the crew.  So it's 'death' should have a powerful meaning.  There should be a purpose, just like in Search for Spock.  The moment had an impact.  In Star Trek Beyond, it consisted of, "What's that coming at us?  Shields aren't holding!  Abandon ship!"  All within the first 30 minutes, followed by some shrugs and rummaging for survivors.  "Well, this sucks.  Let's try to get out of here!"  I felt no emotions for this loss whatsoever.  But I should have... shouldn't I?  For such an iconic vessel.

To me, this was a very poorly written moment for fans.

I'll go one more for you:
Spock has a first name. And no, It's not Mister.  In the episode, This Side of Paradise, someone asked Spock his name, and he said, "You couldn't pronounce it".  So seeing the items Spock left Quinto Spock, wouldn't it display his full name, not just "Ambassador Spock"?  Officially, it should perhaps say Ambassador S'chn T'gai Spock, (according to research).

And seriously, with as many things as they changed, couldn't SOMEONE have updated the NX uniforms to not look like space mechanics??  

So for all that, I give it a Next Gen double facepalm.

Sorry you had to hear all that.  Let me reward your patience with one more Zoe Saldana because....

Deeesher

Guardians of the Galaxy Review

The year was 1968.  The first ATM machine was installed in the US, the first Big Mac was sold, and 911 was invented (all totally unrelated... probably). And Marvel Comics, who had only recently brought you The Incredible Hulk, Spider-man, Fantastic Four and X-Men, decided to create a sci-fi story set in the year 3007.  It revolved around a group of unusual heroes from different planets, gathering together to battle the evil race of lizard creatures who had taken over their home worlds.  It was called, Guardians of the Galaxy!

And it has very little to do with the 2014 Marvel movie release of the same name!

I know what you're saying, "WTF, Deeesher?!?"  First, watch your language.  And second, Marvel created a huge universe of characters, and sometimes over the years... things change.  The movie is more closely related to the 2008 Marvel comic, called Guardians of the Galaxy (vol. 2).

If you're into "reading", like some of the kids do today, this book really is a lot of fun, with great unique characters and interesting storylines.  And in the tradition of Marvel comic book movies, (not to be confused with Sony, Fox, OR especially Warner Bros. comic book movies), they nailed it again! 

Imagine being eight years old, and your life on modern day planet earth sucks.  Then suddenly aliens kidnap you, take you to space, and you get to grow up and essentially become Han Solo.  You get to fly around in spaceships, meet strange aliens and visit different planets.  That's the life of Peter Quill, aka Star-Lord.  Cast perfectly by the actor who was born to play him, Chris Pratt.

Not enough fun for you?  I could go on about how awesome and unique the entire cast of characters are, but I would just be rambling (more than I normally do).  Maybe I should talk about what a great sense of humor the movie has, but still knows when to be serious.  Maybe I should say something about how solid the story is, and how well it connects with everything else in the Marvel universe, both movies and comics.  And yes, it does have connections to other Marvel movies as well as hidden easter eggs from the comics and movies that I am eager to freeze frame.  And to be clear, some things are a bit different from the comic, but I have always said, if you are going to change something from the source material, make it a good change... and it is.

I could also talk about what a great job director James Gunn did, creating a beautiful galaxy you want to explore and live in.  I could say things about how the action scenes are well shot and you can see what's happening *gasp*!

If I wanted to say anything bad about this movie, I don't think I could.  BUT... if I want to be nitpicky, as beautifully as it was created, there were no visually over the top moments.  For example, in a movie like Avengers, we have a few great scenes that Joss Whedon created that felt epic.  James Gunn did a fantastic job, and Knowhere, for example, looked amazing!  But... I don't know.  Maybe I should just shut up now.

Many people have compared this movie to the feelings they had seeing the original Star Wars: A New Hope.  I can easily agree with this comparison, especially since I don't see JJ Abrams doing anything with that franchise to impress me!  This is the type of movie that can be made when they have respect for the fans and source material.  So please, promote good things, (since it seems too rare these days), and go see Guardians of the Galaxy!

Then we can have conversations about who is hotter, Gamora (Zoe Saldana) or  Nebula (Karen Gillan)

Deeesher

Into Darkness Review

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...  Wait, that's not right.  Sorry, things get a bit confusing when universes collide thanks to people like J.J. Abrams.  Do I still sound bitter?  Just to refresh your memory, read all about it here.  Hey, it's been a while since I've complained about him, and if he can become ruler of the two most powerful franchises in the known universe, then I feel it is my rightful destiny to complain about it!

But I digress...

The reason I brought you all here today, is to discuss the sequel to Abrams 2009 Star Trek 'reboot' *coughs*.  This one is called, Into Darkness.

Okay, I admit, I was kind of excited about seeing this.  Oh stop gasping, even I sometimes get excited about seeing a movie.  I mildly enjoyed the 2009 Star Trek, but I wasn't overly thrilled.  I felt it had a lot of potential, but missed the mark.  In other words, phasers were set slightly above 'meh', (check out the review here).  I really hoped that Abrams read my review, and learned some valuable lessons about how horrible lens flare really is, and how annoying a shaky camera and quick edits really are for people watching your movie. So I was eager to see if I could personally be responsible for improving the overall quality of his production!  Then when I saw the Into Darkness previews, I really thought it looked cool!

If you recall, in our last trek to the stars, some disgruntled random Romulan altered our time line, just enough so nothing is the same, but many things are similar.  I think the official rule is, Abrams picks what he wants to keep, and for everything else, you can blame it on the new timeline, and not Abrams.

This time, Kirk (Chris Pine) and crew go after terrorist John Harrison, (yes, we all know it, so say it with me here... actor Benedict Cumberbatch, who is equally awesome as a modern Sherlock Holmes in the BBC series, Sherlock).

For the most part, this was a fun movie.  Abrams gave us a great solid bad guy this time, and Cumberbatch was interesting to watch.  Although, I do wish they had given him a pure evil speech moment to solidify his official bad guyness, he was still consistently charismatic.  There were also plenty of beautiful images of some ships, and it was an exciting movie to watch.  Most of the characters and acting was good, and the running time of two hours and twelve minutes really flew by.

However... it was heavily flawed!

I know, I can hear everyone screaming, "But Deeesher, the timeline changed, and you are just annoyed cause it's not exactly like the Star Trek you know, so you need to get over yourself!".  Well, first, I am over myself, thank you very much.  And secondly, I'm not expecting it to be like the Star Trek I know.  I'm referring to simple common sense.  I don't care if it's Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, or Doctor Who.  I'm looking for good solid writing and directing styles, (and for the record, the current Doctor Who wins that hands down).

So allow me a few moments to nitpick.  Let's begin with:

Directing.  Oh J.J., will you ever learn???  A lens flare is an effect, not a lifestyle choice!  Lens flare isn't quite as overwhelming as 2009's Star Trek, but it is still heavily overdone.  Can I just watch two people having a conversation without a lens flare blinding me please?  And can we have a choreographed fight scene where I can see the action please?!?  For the record, the chase scene towards the end, and ensuing fight weren't too painful to watch.  However, every other fight was just poorly directed.

Set Design.  From the thrown together garbage dump that is engineering, to the disorganization of the bridge on the Enterprise, (as well as the dreadnaught ship), it would be nice if someone had a sense of symmetry or the simple concept of a layout that you can understand.  The dreadnaught ship interiors were too dark to get any clear idea of how it looked, and the Enterprise bridge was painfully and unnecessarily bright (obviously lending itself to more and more lens flare opportunities). 

Costumes.  Who seriously approved any of these outfits?!?  Does the color Lifeless Grey exist?  Because that's what they used for the boring dress uniforms, (including the painfully unnecessary caps).  The enemy uniforms looked like a couple of grey and blue cloths of basketball mesh recklessly sewn together.  Even Cumberbatch wears nothing but a simple black shirt and pants.  I really think Abrams was doing everything he could to stay away from anything that people might want to cosplay at a convention!  He only used the traditional red, blue and yellow uniforms out of some obligation.  And even then, he looked for any opportunity to take them off, to wear more black or browns.  With these dark boring styles, mixed with the bland dark convoluted backgrounds, it was even more difficult to see any type of action sequence, when everything just blended together.

Writing.  Remember when I said the story was decent and moved along very nicely?  Don't question it.  Don't study it.  Don't examine it.  Don't you dare think for one second.  Because the moment you start to think, you will find flaws.  Endless flaws.  Flaws in common sense, and flaws in simple logic.  I could give you the list, but we would be here for a while.  There are some bad ideas that nobody in their right mind would do.  There are some homages that feel extremely forced and painfully predictable.  For some reason, Abrams continues to use writers Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Damon Lindelof.  When will someone in Hollywood realize, these guys aren't that good!  Between Prometheus, Lost, Cowboys and Aliens, and Transformers, none of these were known for their great storylines!  Okay, maybe Lost had a few decent moments, but gather a room full of nerds together during a panel discussion at any random sci-fi convention, and they could accidentally write a better story that makes more sense than anything these guys have ever written.  Stick to television and stop ruining our movies guys!

I have said (often), one of the reasons I respect the original Star Trek, is because most episodes were written by actual science fiction authors (such as Norman Spinrad, Harlan Ellison, David Gerrold etc), just like the original Twilight Zone, and the original Outer Limits.  What happened to those days?  Why can't we hire real writers to write our movies and television shows again?  They are the ones with talent.  Give them a job please!  

Anyway, putting things back into perspective, Into Darkness is still not a bad movie.  Abrams did give us a few beautiful images of the Enterprise that were perfect for any computer desktop.  I even started to accept Chris Pine a bit more as Kirk (although he still has some growing up to do).  Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban and Simon Pegg (Uhura, McCoy, and Scotty) all did fantastic jobs again.  But biggest kudos to Zachary Quinto for Spock.  This felt like his movie from beginning to end.

So if you've never seen any incarnation of Star Trek in your entire life, and if you don't like thinking cause it hurts your brain too much, you will really like Star Trek Into Darkness.  Oh and by the way... stupidest title for a movie ever!

And by the way again... I am eagerly anticipating cosplay versions of Wetsuit Uhura!

Boldly being Deeesher

Star Trek 2009 Review

I am not sure which had more hype, the 2009 *cough* “re-boot” of Star Trek, or the anticipation for my review of it.

 

Having recently seen it in an overly packed theater (which goes against everything I stand for), here is the moment you were waiting for:
It was pretty good.

Before you read too much into this, let me clarify, it was not great! I have read many of the reviews and opinions of others, and I still feel the masses are being swayed by the pretty lights and big explosions. We, as a nation of Trekkies, (Trekkers? Trekkons? Trekastitions? Trekatholons?), have been starved for quality Star Trek for some time now, and this movie is better than the constant vomit the team of Berman/Braga spewed at us for the past twenty years or so.

Okay, maybe I am being a bit overly dramatic, but I think their constant re-writes of the Trek mythos really damaged the franchise and became very skewed from what Gene Roddenberry originally envisioned. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed a lot of episodes of Next Generation, and some of Voyager (particularly the Seven of Nine episodes… weird huh?). I really wanted to like Enterprise, but it became so painful to watch, and by the time they figured it all out, the show was cancelled. I’ve only seen one season of Deep Space Nine… that was quite enough thank you.

So like many of you, I was eager for a new Trek, but given all the factors, I was quite terrified at the concept, (see the pre-review blog here). I am however, very happy to report that it was not as bad as I had feared… but it was still flawed in a few ways.

Let us take a moment to dissect this movie with a fine toothed phaser:

J.J. Abrams – Director: This is a billion times better than Cloverfield, but someone seriously needs to buy this man a freakin’ steadicam! Much of the shaky camera and tight shots on the action were frustrating to watch. Overall, there was nothing that overly impressed me visually; with the exception of some of the starships… those were cool. The interiors all felt a bit cramped to me. The Enterprise is a ship that stretches out for half the length of a football field, so you would think they could space things out a bit better. Even in The Original Series, they had plenty of room to throw each other around in.

Story: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman created a simple safe straightforward storyline. I mentioned in my pre-review blog that they wrote for Xena and Hercules and this movie was at least as good as any of those episodes were. They created some nice homage’s for Trek fans, and I appreciated that. They were able to sort of re-create the universe and keep the essence of the characters intact. But, seeing it in a packed theater, I would expect the occasional cheers or applause during big moments. There were none. Was my audience all asleep, or maybe it just didn’t have any of those ass kicking moments like we would have enjoyed.

James T. Kirk (Chris Pine): For me, this is one of the huge flaws in this movie. I was not looking for a cheesy William Shatner impersonator, but the concept of Captain Kirk is someone who kicked ass, took names, and then had sex with a green skinned alien woman. Maybe he did all those things in this movie, but it felt somehow forced, or like he was just going through the motions. The key word here is charisma, (or maybe even star power). I did not feel any of that from him. There was nothing about him that made me excited to see him on screen (let alone in the Captain’s chair). If the casting here is flawed, I would also point a finger to the writing as well, because any sane military commander would have thrown him in the brig in the first five minutes. Oh, but I guess the ship didn’t have one? Weird…

Nero (Eric Bana) aka bad guy: Two important aspects of a movie of this type are how good the hero is, and how good the villain is. This would be flaw number two in my book. The bad guy was very bland and painfully forgettable. I am amazed I remembered his name long enough to do this review. He was a disgruntled Romulan Miner. He’s no Khan, he’s no Palpatine, and he’s no Sylar. Now who was I talking about…?

Spock (Zachary Quinto): Very nice! He looked and felt like Spock. Was he doing a Leonard Nimoy impression? I don’t think so, but I still enjoyed it. Zach is one of my friends on myspace by the way, (call me buddy!). Warning: High Geek Content Alert! Everyone knows him as Mr. Spock, but there was an episode (This Side of Paradise) where someone asked his first name. His response: “…you couldn’t pronounce it”. I have been eagerly awaiting his first name since that time. It seems they overlooked this extra nerdy fact for the movie as everyone simply calls him Spock. Oh well…

Leonard McCoy (Karl Urban): Very cool again! He stepped nicely into the scrubs of Deforest Kelly. It was nice to see the friendship between him and Kirk during the academy days.

Nyota Uhura (Zoe Saldana): I felt a bit disappointed by this. Maybe I am being too nitpicky here, but Nichelle Nichols had a certain aura about her. She was a classy intelligent beautiful lady. She almost felt like royalty somehow. Zoe is a beautiful sexy lady, but maybe does not have the air about her that the original Uhura had. Maybe I should just shut the hell up and enjoy the memory of her in her bra and panties.

Hikaru Sulu (John Cho): I have two words for you… White Castle.

Really?? Are there no other young Asian men with a good physique and deep voice like George Takei available in the world? As he drove the Enterprise, I was eagerly awaiting him to ask the captain to make a quick stop at the White Castle first.

Pavel Chekov (Anton Yelchin): Okay, maybe the actor is Russian, but why did his accent sound like a parody of Russians? Warning! More High Geek Content Alert! The original concept for Chekov was to attract younger people to the show, so they brought in Walter Koenig who they felt had a Beatles/Monkees look to him. Somehow, I think younger people seeing this guy will think… what a dork.

Scotty (Simon Pegg): Sure. Works for me. Oh, you want more? Um… James Doohan was the original Scotty, and I met him once. We both liked the same episode of the original series (Doomsday Machine). I have always liked Simon Pegg, so maybe he would enjoy it as well, cause I know in the real world, he is quite nerdy himself, (See Shaun of the Dead, or the BBC series Spaced).

Yes, I’ll buy the Trek 2009 DVD when it’s released, and yes I would watch the series if they made one, and yes I’ll be interested to see a sequel. But I still don’t think it’s as awesome as others are saying for the reasons mentioned. Maybe I would give it eight green skinned Orion women out of ten.

For now, I think its way past time to change my profile picture.

Deeesher

Avatar the Review

Six months ago, whenever I saw previews or a poster for this movie, I would say, "...this is what everyone will be talking about next year!", and they would look at me like a freak, (okay, maybe more than normal). But, as usual, I am a visionary, because six months later, I am sick of hearing about this movie!

Of course I am talking about the new James Cameron epic, Avatar.



The story is simple enough, (maybe too simple?). We the humans, continue to prove what jerks we are by trying to take over a planet we found and kicking out the natives. I'm sure there was a deleted subplot where the humans give them blankets infested with smallpox. We've seen this story before from Dances with Wolves, to Pocahontas, to Return of the Jedi, (remember the Ewoks?). It really is a fill in the blanks type of script. Someone please tell me why this won a Golden Globe Award for Best Drama?!?

I will however give this the Deeesher Stamp of Approval for a few things though.

Huge thumbs up to James Cameron for giving us a real sci-fi movie, with interesting, unusual environments, and strange, original looking creatures and aliens. Recently, we've seen lots of superhero movies, and lots of horror, but nothing good from outer space since last years Star Trek. And before that...?

Sam Worthington (the main good guy, Jake Sully) could have been replaced by a talking monkey, (maybe he would have been more interesting then?), but I did enjoy Zoe Saldana, (Neytiri). She apparently has the best agent in Hollywood, because last year she was Uhura on Star Trek. Also Stephen Lang, (Col. Quaritch) and Giovanni Ribisi (Parker Selfridge), made good bad guys you could enjoy hating. Oh and Sigourney Weaver (Dr. Augustine) was in it too I guess... whatever.

But the star of Avatar was the special effects. I see billions of awards being given to this movie for the effects.

Legally, you have to see this movie in Imax 3-D, or all your friends will verbally abuse you. I was a bit extra excited about seeing it since I finally got contacts that work, (cause I couldn't get the full effect of 3-D wearing glasses). I will admit, it looked freakin' awesome... most of the time. Unfortunately, there were times when I couldn't focus on the 3-D because of the action. I found myself thinking a few times, "...but I don't want it to be in 3-D anymore!".

Which brings me to another point. Why, in the year 2010, with all our flying cars, and personal robots, and weather control machines, why are we still using glasses to see 3-D?!? I was eager to see this amazing cutting edge film in a huge theater on a giant screen with my new contacts, only to sit there like a dork with hundreds of others wearing cheap plastic nerd-inspired glasses! Can someone get to work on this please?

In the meantime, I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Mmmmm Zoe...



*insert blue balls joke here*
Deeesher