Deeesher's Wacky Star Wars Theories!

A long time ago, here on Earth, Star Wars was just stupid fun. You could go to the theater, shut off your brain, and watch pretty explosions as good battled against evil. We got to see a simple story unfold about a boy and his lightsaber, a smuggler and his Wookiee, a Princess and her 'tude, and a big scary bad guy with a breathing problem. We enjoyed Episode IV: A New Hope, without a care in the world, or a question to be answered. We just wanted to see the next episode, because we loved it! 

But that was before the dark times. Before the... Abrams-verse.

After the release of Episode VII: The Force Awakens, we have more mysteries than we can throw an Ewok at. Today, there are a million Youtube videos and blogs, showcasing every insane theory under Twin Suns. Debating the possibilities seems to rival the discussion people had during the television series, Lost. And we all know how satisfied people were with that conclusion. I wonder who created that show...?

Well, like most of you, I have a couple of brains, and I like to use them to think of stupid crap. And since we are a few months away from Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, I thought I'd share some of my ideas with you now, so I can say "HA!", in your face when I'm proven to be right. Or I can laugh about how I was joking, and/or the writers are clueless, if by some astronomical chance I'm wrong.

*Disclaimer:
I have no clue. Seriously. I don't work for Disney, or Lucas. I have not seen a script, or anything remotely leaked. I don't even think I know anyone who is working on this franchise. Well... unless you count the time a few years ago when I met Mark Hamill and he was hitting on my girlfriend. In his defense, I don't think he knew I was there. But when Luke Skywalker is hitting on your girlfriend, you let him!

So, I don't consider any of this spoilers, unless you take my word as law. But this is the internet, and nobody believes a word of it these days.

So with that, I give you...

Theory 1:

WHO IS REY

Rey is... Nobody! 

Okay, I'm not standing behind this 100%, but I love the idea! How awesome would it be, if everyone in the Star Wars universe was NOT related to everyone else??

Maybe Rey was training with Luke as a child for the simple fact that she was strong in the force. Ben (Kylo Ren) was impressed with her powers, so he either wanted to take her for his own apprentice to the Dark Side... or he just wanted to kill her. And sensing the danger, Luke protected her and quickly hid her on Jakku, instead of Tatooine, (because seriously, what kind of madman would leave a kid on Tatooine??), where he then wiped her memories. This could also explain why she quickly has a lot of Force powers, without any apparent training. It was natural for her to recall things she learned before being left on Jakku.  It could also explain why Kylo Ren is so obsessed with her, (other than the fact that he's never had a real girlfriend).

But seriously, can Jedi erase your memories? I'm not quite ready to buy that.

So, if the writers have half a brain, the best theory I heard was, Rey is a clone of... someone. Most likely she is a clone of Palpatine, or Vader. Her "clone pod' was opened earlier than it should have been on Jakku, leaving her with no memories, because she was born in a tube and released before adulthood. This could explain her natural predilection to the Force. And yes, I know Vader and Palpatine were dudes. But what better way to hide yourself and fool your enemies than to get rid of that pesky Y chromosome?

Theory 2:
KYLO REN

Okay, we all know who he is, so no real theory there. But why is he soooo obsessed with the Dark Side? Sure, maybe he loves his Grandpa, and his Snoke Machine, but I think there has to be more.

My theory: His Mask. 

Before going into detail, let me take you back to a time when George Lucas sold the rights to Disney. One of the first decrees from the Mouse, was that multiple books in the series, were no longer canon. Millions of voices cried out, as some of our favorite characters were silenced forever, (I'll miss you most of all Mara Jade!). However, there were many aspects of the Star Wars Universe that were never addressed... including The Old Republic.

Enter Darth Revan.

Revan first appeared in a Bioware game called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic in 2003. The game took place several thousand years before Luke Skywalker, but the character of Revan and events during that timeline have become fan favorites. Currently, there is a very successful online game, called Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR) featuring stories from that era.

I think Disney likes that. And I think they want to connect it.

I believe, there was a time when Kylo Ren was looking for Jedi (or Sith) relics, and he found one: Revan's Mask. In the SWTOR games, this is a popular quest item for Sith, because of it's power in the dark side of the Force. This could be heavily influencing Kylo Ren and directing his actions. Yes, I'm aware it doesn't look exactly alike, but people have repeatedly called out Kylo Ren saying he looks like Revan. And who knows, being the son of Han Solo, maybe Kylo Ren made some 'personal modifications'. 

I can hear you rolling your eyes at me already, but I have other reasons for this idea...

1. The Mask has weight to it. Every time he puts it down, there is a heavy thud. This reminds me of the One Ring in Lord of the Rings. Every time the ring was dropped, it had the same distinct thud because of it's power. Plus, notice how the camera seems to focus ominously on his mask when he puts it down.

2. Han Solo says, "Take off that mask. You don't need it." Maybe he knew the power and influence it had over him?

3. Kylo Ren says, "I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain.". Revan was known to have been 'split in two', having power in both Dark side and Light sides of the Force.

And yes, I can already hearing you screaming at me, "...but Deeesher, in the new trailer, we see Kylo Ren's helmet was destroyed, and according to legend, it's impossible to destroy Revan's Mask!".
And to you, I say...

Symbolism! Or a vision? Something he must do? A nightmare perhaps?  Hmmm...
 
So, is it possible Snoke is aware of the power in the mask, and is using this to push him. Maybe Snoke gave him the mask because he felt... inadequate?

Which brings me to...

Theory 3:
WHO IS SUPREME LEADER SNOKE

 

Remember folks, these are my wacky theories, and this is one of my wackiest! 

I've heard people guessing this could be Palpatine, or even Darth Plagueis, (Palpatine's Master). Of course we could go back to my original theory about Rey, and Snoke is also nobody. Perhaps he is simply a new character and we are looking too deeply (for some reason) in our desperate attempt to make a connection where one doesn't exist. 

But I prefer to look a bit deeper.

I'm sure many of you recall Yoda's introduction. He was no Jedi Master. He was just a goofy little green swamp creature trying to steal food from Luke.

I have a similar feeling about Snoke. Maybe he isn't so giant as he appears in his hologram. And maybe he appears quite harmless in reality, carefully pulling strings in plain sight. Maybe, like Palpatine, he is pretending to be on the side of good, but in reality, he is putting things into motion to get exactly what he wants.

And, as some new toys seem to suggest, perhaps he is really a she...   

 

 That's right... Maz Kanata is Supreme Leader Snoke. 

People have said that Snoke is not a Force user. Maz has said she is not a Force user, but she knows about it. She had Luke's lightsaber. 

And before you freak out, I present to you... 

Exhibit A:

 Does it seem so crazy now? Holograms can add several feet to someone, and as any woman will tell you, the right makeup can hide many blemishes.

  

Speaking of insane, this brings me to my final point...

Theory 4:

LUKE SKYWALKER

I'm just going to say it... I think Luke is bat-shit crazy.

Originally, I was thinking it would be awesome if Luke was actually Snoke. I liked the idea of him turning Dark side and guiding things from the shadows. Many people believe that Luke actually did turn Dark side at the end of Return of the Jedi. He had plenty of reasons. And now, feeling the overwhelming responsibility of teaching a whole New Order of Jedi, one day he just snapped, wore a silly disguise, called up Kylo Ren on a hologram, called himself Snoke, and decided to use him to wipe out all the potential new Jedi, because he didn't want to run the risk of them destroying the galaxy.

As interesting as that idea might seem, I have heard in The Last Jedi, Luke actually does sound quite insane. I thought it would be awesome if Rey was walking past a cave, hearing him laugh like the Joker. Then she enters the cave, and sees only Luke, who denies anyone else being there.

Then I had a sudden realization...

What if Luke has been talking to himself for decades! 
No Force Ghost Ben, Yoda or Anakin, and his madness only made him think they were there guiding him! 

"...But Deeesher, how can you say this?!?" 
Well, has anyone else seen these Force Ghosts?

If you recall, during Empire Strikes Back, Luke was attacked by a Snow creature (Wampa), which he escaped from, only to wander through the freezing cold, barely alive. During his delirium, he suddenly 'saw' a vision of Ben, telling him to go to the Dagobah system. But what if it was all in his mind?

And while on Dagobah, I think Luke did a lot of training, and became more powerful with the Force... but was there really Yoda teaching him, or was it all in his mind?  After everything Luke has been through, it's not too difficult to imagine that he may have completely snapped.

Okay, I admit, some of these might be what you would call... Fringe Theories, (get it? Fringe?). But I sincerely would love to see the writers doing something unique and unexpected. My instinct is, they will write to the lowest common denominator, and not take any risks. They want to make a movie for the fans, so they aren't going to try to come up with anything too mind-blowing.

I would love to see Rey turn Dark Side, and Kylo Ren turn Light Side for some reason or other, so we could mix things up a bit. And of course, it would be nice to see Luke being heroic, but it's also conceivable that he is quite a broken man by now. 

Realistically, I'm just a clueless idiot, and maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. In the end, I just want a movie that's fun, exciting, maybe a bit dramatic, without too many quick edits, and well lit, so I can follow the action.

Maybe I ask the impossible...
And that is why I fail,
Deeesher

Star Wars The Force Awakens Review

I have never been more frightened to write a review in my entire life.  I think Disney could have saved millions of dollars on promotion by just releasing one trailer, and letting the Church of Star Wars fanboys/fangirls do the rest.  The indoctrination of the masses has reached epic brainwashing proportions, and it seems you can't even have a serious intellectual debate anymore.  Either you love everything about Star Wars, or you're an idiot, a loser and probably a bed wetter.  Actually, you can dislike Star Wars... as long as you're talking about the Prequels. 

But I'm not here to rehash my love of sci-fi/fantasy, imagination, creativity and respect for the mythos George Lucas created.  Nor am I here to talk about my utter disdain for J.J. Abrams as a director, as I did here, and here... and here.  I'm here to say that I finally found a theater that wasn't sold out, that had available parking, and post Christmas shopping stupidity to finally watch Star Wars Episode VII:  The Force Awakens.

The plot (non-spoiler):  It's Star Wars, thirty years after Return of the Jedi.

After watching with a very open mind, in my humble opinion (if I'm still allowed to have one), there were many elements I enjoyed!  And some parts... I didn't *ducks*  If you loved it, that's great!  I'm very happy for you!  But I want to be clear about why I didn't enjoy SOME of it, so I'd like to break down all the players (playas?) as clearly as I can, so I don't get beaten up by nerds/geeks for my lunch money.  And for the record, these are my opinions.  I'm not trying to jump on some bantha wagon of haters and I'm not trying to use any jedi mind tricks on anyone.  I can only hope you can understand my perspective.

The real hero of this movie is producer Kathleen Kennedy. I'm beginning to appreciate more and more how much influence a good or bad producer has on the final release.  Many years ago, an idiot producer named Rick McCallum played Yes-Man to every moronic idea from George Lucas and helped create three movies with very little substance but lots of pretty effects.  Today, we call them Prequels.  Another director I used to love, Zack Snyder, was guided to make the horrible appearance of Man of Steel.  Then you have Kevin Feige, who is the super genius that produced some of the greatest Marvel movies ever, (Iron Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers, etc).  And Gary Kurtz, the original producer of Star Wars A New Hope, helped prove there is good in Lucas after all.  Ironically, Rick McCallum was producer of the Special Edition.

Kathleen Kennedy's credits include the original Poltergeist, Gremlins, Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Jurassic Park, and many more.  And maybe they can't all be winners, *COUGH*indianajonesandthecrystalskull*COUGH*, but she definitely has proven she knows how to oversee and guide a project to create a fantastic film.  So, credit where credit is due... She helped reign in director J.J. Abrams, because it doesn't look like his typical style.  Maybe she helped him understand what a real color palette is, and convinced him not to use the shaky cam, and finally helped him recover from his lens flare addiction.  Or maybe they had many important meetings after reading my blogs.

Either way, giving proper credit, Abrams made a lot of fun ship battles.  There were some great moments watching the Millennium Falcon and X-Wings flying around.  And I have said in the past, he knows how to make ships look cool as he did in his version of Star Trek.  So for the most part, visually, surprisingly, it works.

Now let's talk story...

The credits list Lawrence Kasdan, J.J. Abrams, and Michael Arndt.  I want to know exactly who wrote what for this movie.  I have a lot of respect for Kasdan for writing the screenplay for Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi.  I respect Arndt for writing Oblivion... but that's about it.  Abrams helped create/wrote for Lost and Fringe, which are two shows I kind of liked... sometimes.  So I want to know what each person added to The Force Awakens, because honestly... the writing was just okay. 

There were some nice ideas, but for the most part, the plot was very thin, and a re-hash of everything we saw in A New Hope.  And I'm pretty sure they pulled the Devil/Super-Devil scene from Family guy, ("This here's your Death Star.  And this is the Super Death Star.").  Sure we get some interesting new characters that have a lot of potential, and there were some nice lines of dialogue... but some eye rolling lines of dialogue as well.  It does have a decent sense of humor, and lots of fun action sequences, but almost no backstory that gives any motivation and help us understand exactly what's going on and why.

"Oh Deeesher, you're such a hater and total idiot!!  Everything will be explained later!".  And that's fine, you moronic lump of clay but I prefer my movies to be reasonably self contained.  I don't mind ending on a cliff hanger, and I don't mind wondering about certain aspects of a movie.  I don't need everything spoon-fed to me, but I think there were plenty of missed opportunities to give us a solid foundation of characters and situations that we could clearly understand and care about much more. 

For example, think about Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars Ep. IV.  Between worrying if he could get to Tosche Station or not, whether his uncle would ground him forever for losing a droid, hoping he gets enough blue milk in his diet, and wondering if he can ever get off this sandy rock to have some excitement in his life as he stared into the beautiful twin sunsets of Tatooine against the powerful John Williams score, we really cared about Luke!  We wanted him to get the girl, and we were eager for him to learn more about The Force. 

This is the basis of a hero's journey!  How about Guardians of the Galaxy?  As a young boy, we see Peter Quill's mother die and suddenly he's taken away and in that very short scene, we choke back the tears as we instantly care about what happens to this character.  Steve Rogers from Captain America, was a little guy who got beat up all the time and did all he could to save everyone including jumping on a grenade, even though he didn't know it was a dud, long before he ever got his super powers.  Or how about the 1978 Incredible Hulk TV series, where in the first 5 minutes, Banner dreams of his wife and their wonderful marriage, and her sudden death as he wakes up in bed alone.  THOSE are powerful moments in character development! 

Now in Ep. VII, we get Rey and Finn, who make very sudden rash decisions based on... what???   Someone suddenly getting a conscience for no apparent reason, isn't quite enough for me to care about what happens to them.  Someone living alone on Not-Tatooine, collecting junk for muffin powder, isn't really pulling at my heartstrings much.  I care just enough to keep watching, but I'm not really emotionally invested in them like I should be.  As it was, in my theater, there were moments of lol, but nobody cheered, because there was no real attachment to these people.  The entire movie is set up for sequels, which I think is just poor writing.  A New Hope is awesome, because we care about what happens to those characters, and we don't need to see the other movies to understand it.

The acting was good and the new cast did a great job, but the older classic characters felt out of place.  It was as if older people were just pretending to be Han Solo and Leia.  Ironically, Chewbacca and C3PO still felt like Chewbacca and C3PO.  I think we could have had a movie that focused on the legacy of those classic characters, without actually seeing them.   The galaxy is a big place, and with the Force, lightsabers, X-wings, TIE Fighters, and even the Millennium Falcon, there was enough to help us understand and accept this as a continuation of the story.

So, sure it was enjoyable, but it didn't feel like THE GREATEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF ALL MANKIND!!!  It felt like a way overly hyped fan film.  It just didn't make me feel like I was eight years old again.  I have plenty of other movies and TV shows that do that.  If I had to rate it, if Slave Leia is a perfect score, and Jar Jar is the lowest, I would give this an IG-88.  Sure he looks cool and plenty of details to examine, but he didn't really do much and we don't know anything about him, (assuming Disney destroyed all canon regarding him as well). 

And for all you idiots that think I'm not open minded enough to see this objectively, I will remind the members of the jury how I was really excited about the new Star Trek movies, and I was disappointed, and how I really didn't think Avengers would work, but I loved it, (read all about it here).

And now, since it seems I have failed in my teachings... I will go into hiding for thirty years.  If you need me, I'll leave a partial map in my droid.


Deeesher

Why I Hate Star Wars

Okay, I'll confess to a bit of click bait with this title, because I don't hate Star Wars.  The fact is, I want to love it!  But in my professional opinion, there is definitely a great disturbance in the force.  Sadly it seems, most eager fanboys/girls are too weak minded to see the Jedi mind tricks being used on us. 

"...omg omg omg look it's an X-Wing!!"
"...Look, it's Han Solo.... *squeeeeeee*!!"
"...I feel like I'm 8 years old again!!"
 *le sigh*

In the interest of full disclosure, I really enjoy my sci-fi (shocking, I know).  Since I was a wee little nerdling, I have loved things filled with imagination, and creativity and always look for something exciting and different and maybe even inspiring.  That's just how my brain works.  So long ago, it was easy for me to jump on the Star Wars bantha wagon with everyone else, collecting way too many toys and action figures and cards and bed sheets and toothbrushes and mugs and props and.... you get the idea.

What made Star Wars fun for me, was that it was new and different.  George Lucas invented a universe of great characters, places, and an exciting mythology that helped us easily forget about the real world.  And once that template was created, it opened up millions of possibilities.

But with such a vast universe to choose from, can all the stories be great?  I think the Prequels clearly answered that question.   There are definitely plenty of trash compactors trying to crush the life out of you in a galaxy far, far away.

"Oh Deeesher, you're just a hater and jaded by the prequels too much...!"
Untrue, my young Padawan.  There are a few aspects about the Prequels I liked!  I think Lucas could have created a great series from them, but sadly he had too many Yes-men blindly loving everything he did *COUGH*rickmccallum*COUGH*

When Lucas first began writing The Star Wars in 1974, the script went through many re-writes until he fine tuned it into something epic for the 1977 release.  During filming and editing, he was constantly being pushed, and everything was on a budget and producers were wheezing menacingly down his neck through a thick dark breath mask.

Then in 1999, when it came time for the prequels, Lucas quite literally owned the galaxy.  He essentially became Emperor and could do what he wanted at his own leisurely pace.  He had producers throwing millions of dollars at him saying we can make this bigger and put more and MORE AND MORE things on the screen so it will look like the most amazing thing ever made!  But they forgot to put any heart and soul into it.  Nobody ever said to George, they have a bad feeling about this.  Nobody ever seemed to suggest that he was going to... The Dark Side.

And now, many years later, after so many painful memories of the Prequels.... there has been an awakening.

Suddenly, Lucas the Hutt sold the entire franchise to Disney.  And honestly, this didn't bother me.  No, really.  I was okay with that, because I know Disney movies can be fun!  Between the original Pirates of the Caribbean, and more recently the Marvel movies, like Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, or Captain America.  And going back even further to Tron, The Black Hole, and Dragonslayer.  Disney might give Star Wars the breath of life it needed. 

But that was before the dark times...

Many years before the Disney deal, Lucasfilm officially announced there would never be another Star Wars movie.  So at that time, the Expanded Universe featured in the books and comics were officially canon.  In those days, many die-hard fans knew exactly what happened to Luke, Leia, Han, and even their children.

But with the announcement of a new movie, Disney suddenly created a new fate for those characters, and wiped out the EU stories... all of them.  So every one in the Expanded Universe suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.  I'll miss you most of all Mara Jade!

Then they said the new movie would be based on an outline originally conceived by Lucas himself.  Again, I had very mixed feelings about this.  But I was curious and open minded.

But their journey to the dark side was complete when they hired a director... J.J. Abrams.

There are so many great directors in the world.  But I honestly don't think Abrams is one of them.  And for the record, I'm not just talking about the lens flares.  I'm mostly talking about shaky cams during action sequences.  I'm talking about the bland color palettes he often uses.  I'm talking about how he can't seem to properly light a scene.  I'm talking about how many apologies he has made for his directing in the past, (such as gratuitous shot of Alice Eve in bra and panties, lens flares, trying to keep Khan storyline a secret etc).  I'm also talking about how one nerdy fanboy shouldn't oversee Star Wars AND Star Trek.  I wrote about it here if you're interested in reading about that kind of thing. 

But the one thing that makes me feel Sith to my stomach, is how nauseatingly obsessed everyone has become!  Sure Star Wars was popular after it's original release, but that was a more civilized age.  Some people rolled their eyes at my fanboy-ism, and that was okay!  But now, it seems every 30 seconds, there is another Star Wars reference somewhere.  From every commercial on TV/YouTube, every constant fan theory, meme, viral video and salivating fanboy/girl telling everyone how this is the most awesome movie in the world, before they've even seen it... how can I escape to a galaxy far, far away, if the real world is covered in Star Wars?  How can I continue liking something, when everyone is shoving it down my throat and telling me how great it is?  I feel as if I'm drowning in Star Wars. 

And therein lies the basis of my hate.

1.  Re-hashing old characters that should remain young and epic in our memories.
2.  Deleting unique Expanded Universe characters and stories we loved.
3.  Hiring a sub-par director.
4.  Cramming more and MORE AND MORE Star Wars in our face so we can't breathe.
5.  Millions of overly obsessed fans gulping down every drop like it's blue milk meth.
...it feels more like a painful obligation.  It's suddenly stopped being fun and unique.

But there is good in it.... I have felt it.

There is so much potential in this modern mythology, I'm always eager to see something new from this franchise.  We have such a huge galaxy to explore, and I can't understand why everyone is so focused on the same characters ad nauseam.

Like what you might ask?  Perfect examples are here:



Or, how about this:



Holy crap that looks freakin' AWESOME!!!  I want to know more!  I want to learn about these characters and this story!  If you didn't know, this was the BioWare game, Kights of the Republic.  You get a lot of unique interesting stories and characters, all taking place hundreds of years before Luke Skywalker was ever born.

And if you do love the original trilogy and want to relive those moments, listen to the radio show.  Hearing so much new and impressive details recreated through only sound, really makes me smiles:



And for the record, I wasn't a fan of the animation on Clone Wars the series, but the stories just got better and better!  It's all available on Netflix now, and I highly recommend watching.  It gives you depth and detail to the characters and events that Lucas could never show in the Prequels, with some fantastic action!

But honestly, if you need Star Wars to feel like you're 8 years old again... you're doing something wrong.  I have had many of those moments in the last few years watching some movies and television shows.  Specifically, Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers, The Flash, Doctor Who, Iron Man, Captain America, Tron Legacy, Ant-Man, Spider-man (the first two Tobey Maguire versions), Ash vs. Evil Dead... well, maybe not that last one so much.  But still VERY FREAKIN' COOL!!

So I'm sorry if I'm the one rolling my eyes by your seemingly single-minded over-obsession.  I was there many years ago, but I've moved on with my life.  I'll watch the new movie, but I'm keeping an open mind.  And for those of you that think I can't be objective, I say HA! to you, because I expected Joss Whedon to fail at making Avengers!  I was pleasantly surprised and I wrote all about it here.  But it's never easy to love something that makes me feel like I'm being brainwashed to enjoy it.

Now let's all take a moment and study other important aspects of this franchise....

*le sigh*
Deeesher

Nerd Popularity

Hollywood is evil. Hollywood will destroy your hopes and dreams. It wants to remove any creativity and enjoyment from your life, crushing your childhood memories in it's path. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead inside.

But it wasn't always like this. There was good in Hollywood once. It used to care about young nerds in the 60's and 70's. Back then, Hollywood presented nerds everywhere with Gene Roddenberry, and George Lucas. We eagerly embraced them as our adoptive mother and father of modern science fiction, (I'll let you decide which was which). Both men had a respectable vision, and built an amazing franchise that would one day destroy the world.

Oh sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

These insightful men gave us Star Trek and Star Wars, and brought joy to wide-eyed nerds all over the world. And keep in mind, in those days, being a young nerdling wasn't so popular. My views, imagination, and interests were considered a bit taboo. If I dared stand up in class, and mutter something Spock-like, or preached from the book of Yoda, I would have to live with the shame everyone would tell me I should feel, for the rest of my life. I tried to ignore the taunts, and convince myself, I didn't really need to be cool, but sadly, the damage was already done. At least I could enjoy my own personal Fortress of Solitude, filled with comic books, and action figures.

And so, early nerds lived on a steady diet of Star Trek, and Star Wars. Equally important, but different universes entirely.

But of course, the 70's, 80's and 90's brought us more joy, through things like, Loagan's Run, The Six Million Dollar Man, Battlestar Galactica (the original series), The Incredible Hulk, Superman, Buck Rogers, Alien, Tron, Empire Strikes Back, Blade Runner, Wrath of Khan, Knight Rider, Back to the Future, V, Terminator, Batman (Michael Keaton), Alien Nation, Jurassic Park, X Files, Men in Black, The Matrix, X-Men, and Spider-man (sorry if I forgot to mention your favorite). Each one becoming more and more publicly acceptable. Each one earning more and more money for Hollywood as it slowly rose to power.

And then in 2004, Hollywood presented us with a new television series... Lost.

Lost was a respectable show, although not great. It had very good episodes, and some not so good episodes, (most of the not so good were in season 3). It was dramatic, and unique, and at times confusing. It had great characters, as well as mystery, and somehow kept you watching from week to week. It was a unique form of science fiction. And more importantly for Hollywood... it became popular. And with this popularity, came it's creator and director: J.J. Abrams and his production company, Bad Robot.

If Hollywood is Emperor Palpatine, Abrams would be Anakin. He doesn't mean to be bad, he's just misguided. If Hollywood is Khan, maybe Abrams is Gary Mitchell. Someone with too much power, that doesn't really know what to do with it all.

As the series Lost was creating a rift in time (or whatever the show was about), it also quite literally, created a rift in our universe, (or whatever has happened to our society).

The popularity of Lost got Hollywood's attention. So, Hollywood gave Abrams another series... Fringe. This was also good, but not great. I always felt like it was a clone of X-Files, only with annoying characters (with the exception of Walter Bishop, played expertly by John Noble). But again, more importantly... it became popular. And from that, Hollywood said, “Here is a lot of money. Go make a monster movie called Cloverfield, and your path towards the dark side will be complete!”

Cloverfield was not that good. It was filled with plot holes, shaking nauseating first person cameras and overly moronic characters. But somehow, the public suddenly embraced Cloverfield with love and a disturbing amount of affection. And I will never understand why. Maybe it was because Hollywood convinced the public that J.J. Abrams is good. Perhaps the success of Lost and Fringe lulled the public into a false sense of security. Or maybe they added subliminal messages in his shaking camera.

Whatever the reason, in 2009, Abrams wins Olympic Nerd Gold, by getting the job of directing the new 'reboot' of Star Trek.

If you know me, you know I hate the word 'reboot'. But this is one of the rare situations where I can understand why it was done. Star Trek needed a good kick in the warp core. The last few theatrical releases of Star Trek had been bland at best, and even the more recent TV series, was at times painful to watch.

So Abrams vision of the Star Trek universe was good. Not great but, like Lost, enjoyable. And yet frustrating in other ways, (read my full review here). Abrams didn't add anything to the franchise, with the exception of lens flare and shaky cameras. He told a simple story with a lame bad guy. Abrams basically 'did the job'... but not too much of it. I never saw anything artistic, or creative in what he did (see Blade Runner, Prometheus, Sin City, 300, Breaking Bad, Zero Theorem, or even Raiders of the Lost Ark, and most recently Guardians of the Galaxy for examples of visually stunning directors). There was never a 'stand up and cheer' moment in the busy theater where I watched it. Maybe with a better script, and less lens flare, and establishing shots with fight choreography and scenes I could watch, it might help. 

Sadly, Into Darkness was worse visually.  Again, he made the bridge look like a claustrophbic Apple Store with lens flare.  He made the Dreadnaught interiors so dark you could barely see any of it.  He took every oppurtunity to use browns, greys, or blacks as his washed out color pallete.  Even the engine room of the Enterprise was just a water park ride.  I won't even mention his ill-conceived concept of adding popular songs to a movie set 300 years in the future!

For comparison, watch the original series of Star Trek on Netflix.  It's been remastered, spicing up the colors a lot, also adding new modern effects.  It does help that the stories were fantastic, but they had clear vision of how that universe should look.

In all fairness, I will say that he made the exteriors of the ships look great, and there were some beautiful moments watching how majestic they looked.  Many of those shots would look wonderful as desktop pictures for my computer.  But everything else was a wash of mud.

But apparently, society says, everything Abrams does is fantastic! Again, I ask, why???

Meanwhile, in another universe...

George Lucas gets old. After completely losing his mind with special editions, and re-edits, George sells Star Wars to Disney. I have very mixed feelings about this, but the desperate child inside me clings to a new hope. Then suddenly, my hope turns to joy, hearing the plan to make a new Star Wars theatrical release.

But who will direct it??? The list of potential new directors is miles long. So many possibilities! Who will it be???

And now, a moment of silence as two universes slam together with catastrophic results...

J.J. Abrams. Why did it have to be J.J. Abrams? (Please read the previous in your best Indiana Jones voice for the full effect).

I feel as if the giant Terminator foot has just crushed my skull. Is that what Bad Robot really means? The two universes were equally important... But different! How can you justify giving the same man control of both universes... when he's not that good!

I respect that he's a fan.  And maybe if me and JJ hung out, I MIGHT get along with him.  But that won't make me think he's a fantastic director.  You can love music, but it doesn't mean you're a great producer or engineer, (like that ever happens...).

IF he can stop the lens flare.
IF he can stop shaking the camera.
IF he can create establishing shots with decent fight choreography without the closeup quick edits...  
I think he can tell a good story with his directing, IF he has a decent script, and uses some semblance of a color palette.  But of course, I worry about his old habits.

So, this is the world we live in now. Is this the price of Nerd Popularity? Maybe if we revert to the days of being outcasts, we could get our creativity back. Maybe if we stop spending money on every piece of crap that calls itself science fiction or fantasy, we can save our money for the school bully the way God intended. Maybe if everyone wasn't so eager to jump on the nerd bandwagon, we could go back to the days when conventions weren't so packed with hot sexy cosplay girls... 

No, that would be a terrible idea. 
Nerd popularity does have its perks.

*sigh*

Deeesher

Tron Legacy Review

Growing up, I never liked Disney. There... I said it. No, I haven't been brainwashed by Universal, but honestly, fairy tales and pixie dust just aren't my thing. However, occasionally Disney does slap together something impressive and non-animated, such as The Black Hole (1979), Dragonslayer (1980), and more recently The Pirates of the Caribbean series.

There is one particular Disney movie that has always been near and dear to my heart... Tron (1982).

Sure Tron was released years before I was born (as far as you know!), but it's a classic because it told an interesting and original (and fun!) story about what happens inside your computer. It stood out because it was the first movie to use computer effects to tell a story, which obviously spoke to computer geeks around the world.

Now almost thirty years later, we finally have a sequel: Tron Legacy.

Is it compatible with today's OS, or was it as painful as a blue screen of death... In 3-D...?

The story involves young Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund), who hasn't seen his father, Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges, and our hero from the first Tron) since he was a little brat. Sam grows up to be a bigger brat, pretty much hating 'the man' and fighting the evil establishment that his father's company has become, until one day he discovers how dangerous it is to click 'yes' on every pop-up on your computer. He accidentally gets transported into The Grid (aka inside the world of computers), and forced to play games to survive.

Fortunately for us, he finds his dad pretty much living as a Zen Monk. Unfortunately for everyone in The Grid, one of Flynn's older programs is seeking to destroy all imperfections... Including Users, (aka all of us).

Okay, it's not a great plot, (didn't we see Star Trek do this storyline once before?), but it's good enough to amuse my feeble brain, and it was nice to see some homage's to the original movie as well, (some more obscure than others). Just don't expect huge surprises or wild plot twists... Remember, this is still Disney folks.

What helps the story move nicely is Jeff Bridges, whether real or CGI, he is still very cool and managed to find the same spirit of the character he created in 1982. Another nice choice was actor Garrett Hedlund. Sure they could have picked Johnny Depp, or Shia Lebouf... But thank God they didn't! It was kinda nice seeing an unknown get a big break, and he was very believable as Kevin Flynn's son.

However the biggest nerdgasm goes to the effects! I reluctantly saw this in 3-D, (and we know how much I looooove that *cough*). But this time it worked! Unlike other 3-D attempts of the past, I could enjoy the action, and still kept things in perspective (pun intended). In your face Avatar!

I have total respect for the effects team, and conceptual artists for doing what they needed to do. They took the original 1982 ideas, and improved, not 're-imagined' them. And huge thumbs up to director Joseph Kosinski for letting me see the action, and feel completely immersed in The Grid, without any painful fast closeups and quick edits, or shadows trying to hide the beautiful world they created. My 125 minutes in the theater flew by!

Let us not forget the soundtrack by Daft Punk, adding the perfect tones to the visuals. In addition to the intense thundering sound effects of the giant Recognizer ships and light cycles, I think my eyes and ears discovered every frequency on the spectrum. I left the theater with the most exciting headache ever!

But... the reason you all hate me, is because somehow with all the surrounding coolness, I still find flaws, (however minor they may be). The movie is known as Tron, but we don't get as much from Tron (Bruce Boxleitner) as I would have liked. Sure he makes some appearances, but somehow I wanted a bit more.

And if I'm really nitpicking... the moment Sam gets zapped into The Grid was a bit anticlimactic for me. It just sort of happened, like an afterthought. As if maybe they spent all their money on other effects, and didn't consider for one moment the transition between our world and theirs should be a bit more momentous.

But what do I know...

I still can't decide between Quorra (Olivia Wilde)

And Gem (Beau Garrett)

And I know what you're thinking, “...Deeesher! Those outfits couldn't possibly be tighter!”. Oh yes... yes, I think they could be.

End of line.
Deeesher