Heavy Metals

I recently got this very cool Moviefone app for my phone. With a quick punch of a button, I can see what's playing, show times, theaters, and even running times. Sure, I do miss the manly '...Hello! And welcome to Moviefone!' voice, but if I say it myself every time I use the app, it sort of makes up for it... because I sound that happy and manly too.

I used this app when I was looking for the IMAX version of Iron Man 2. With a spring in my step, I made my way to my local IMAX theater, only to discover one important flaw with my super-cool new app... It doesn't show am or pm! Surprise! Oh sure, I could have found another theater, or came back much much later, but it's rare I get out in public, and I didn't want to find that kind of courage to leave my home again. So I had to see Iron Man 2 on a frumpy old regular tiny baby-sized movie screen! How could I really enjoy a movie of this magnitude like that! I was obviously very concerned, and it didn't help that everyone had already told me how great this movie is, (and I have found if you have such huge-o-mongous expectations for a movie, it's guaranteed to disappoint!).

Despite all those hurdles and hardships for me to overcome, I freakin' loved it! Oh let me count the ways...

The story was fun and simple enough: Tony Stark deals with being a corporate success, as well as a superhero, with tons of money, and hot chicks, all while battling politics and people that want to kill him. The way his life mirrored my own was eerie!

It also helped that it was an action movie where you could see the action*gasp*! Jon Favreau rules! He figured out that a shaky camera, and ultra-fast edits, with the camera up the actors nose, just doesn't work! I hope other directors can get the hint...*COUGH*j.j. abrams*COUGH*michael bay*COUGH*
Robert Downey Jr, continues to be a very flawed and eccentric hero who is as much fun to watch this time as he was in the first Iron Man. And of course every hero needs a good memorable bad guy. This time, we get TWO! Both different, but you love to hate them all the same. Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko (Whiplash) who has come a long way from the pervert of 9 ½ Weeks, and Sam Rockwell (who we saw most recently going insane on the Moon), as the satisfyingly annoying Justin Hammer.

Oh and did I mention hot chicks? TWO yet again! Yummy Gwenyth Paltrow, (Pepper Pots), and equally as yummy Scarlett Johansson as the ass kicking Natalie Romanoff wearing her super sexy tight catsuit, (aka Black Widow, for the nerd elite).

I really liked the first Iron Man, but was 2 better? My crack staff of research scientists crunched all the numbers, and concluded... not quite! But it was a very close race! Mostly because his origin story felt very inspiring and I loved seeing the first time he did some ass kicking.

Be sure to keep a close eye on this movie for more sneak peeks of the upcoming Avengers movie to be released in 2012. Personally, I think with so much build-up, and so many characters, this is destined to suck! Hey, is that a huge crowd of nerds gathering outside with torches and pitchforks shouting obscenities at me?

Maybe this will slow them down a bit...

Deeesher

Kick Me

You kids have it sooo easy! When I was your age *said while waving my cane at you*, being a comic book geek was not so popular! I used to dream of a day when we would have 'kick ass' superhero movies. Now, after amazing hits like Spider-man, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, X-Men, Batman, (etc), I find myself seeing previews for a new comic adaptation and saying...WTF, another one?!?



That was my feeling when I saw the previews for Kick-Ass, (by the way, can I say that without offending anyone? Kick-Butt? Kick-Backside? Kick-Bottom? Kick-Buttocks?). Based on a comic book published by one of Marvel Comics lesser known divisions (Icon), my crack research staff (aka Wikipedia) has assured me that it is fairly close to the original storyline. But, while I am very excited about Iron Man 2, and a few other more 'traditional' superhero movies, Kick-Ass just looked goofy to me. I know, maybe it's supposed to be goofy, but I thought it sort of looked like Mystery Men (awesome but goofy Ben Stiller superhero movie), only not as funny. There are just so many mainstream comics with great storyline's, I just couldn't get excited about a silly one.

But generally, if you're not expecting too much from a movie, they usually catch you by surprise and impress the hell out of you. And it's true, I did enjoy it, but I do have some issues with it.

The story involves an average high school nobody, Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) who wakes up one morning and says, "...I think I want to be a superhero, even though I'm a total wuss, with no fighting experience, or special weapons or powers or anything!".

Total respect for their examining my life in high school so closely, but (for me anyway), common sense always kicks in before getting your ass kicked... or even shot in the face. Bonus points for having your heart in the right place and wanting to do something about crime and injustice, but minus a million points for proving you're a freakin' moron!

And it didn't help there was nothing to grab me and make me root for him! No parents killed when he was walking home with them in a dark alley. No uncle shot by a bad guy he could have stopped. Not even a disability he was struck with and trying to overcome! I didn't care about our hero at all. This was one of the problems I had with Ang Lee's Hulk. I didn't care about Banner. But yet watch the 1978 television's The Incredible Hulk, and in the first episode, in the first two minutes, you care about this guy! I needed something to pull me in and captivate me, and reliving high school's woes was not enough for me. I wrote silly poems... he puts on a mask. Get over it kid.

But I know what you're saying (being psychic is one of my powers), "...but Deeesher, remember this is just a silly movie!".

Or is it?

There were some funny moments yes, but it does take some very serious turns. Which brings me to this soap box that I'm going to stand on for a bit...

What is a superhero? The underdog that wants to do the right thing. With great power comes great responsibility, but yet Kick-Ass says, "with no power comes no responsibility.". This is fine but maybe if your silly movie is taking so many serious turns, they need to remember you are still fighting for truth, justice and the American way. Are you really a true superhero if you stab all the bad guys or shoot them with a machine gun? Maybe Everyone was always eager for Wolverine to hack people to bits with his claws, but (unless things have changed recently), he never did. And maybe Punisher regularly shot people, but it's a well known fact he was unstable and seriously F'd up! The same could be said about Rorschach from Watchmen.

But I did say I enjoyed this movie! The narration was original and clever... oh wait, didn't we just do that a bit better in Zombieland last year? Anyway, the action was awesome, and seeing Hit-Girl (Chloe Moretz) kicking ass was fun. I liked the relationship with her and Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage). And did anyone else notice him channeling 1960's Adam West Batman's voice? Very funny! I was eager to hear him call someone 'citizen', or complain that some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. I also really liked Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), and think he had the best storyline. Although, he will always be McLovin to me.

Maybe most of you are thinking I am being too nit-picky. Maybe I was just offended that we had a superhero movie, but nowhere did we have hot sexy women in spandex. I guess the best way to sum up my feelings is quoting one of my favorite superhero battle cries... "Spoooooon!" The Tick... there was an awesome but silly superhero!

Ask Alice...

In October 2000, a PC game was released called Amercan McGee's Alice, based loosely on the original Alice in Wonderland where Alice is a murderous psychotic. The game was okay, but the characters and story were amazing!



Tim burton's new movie was sadly not based on that game.


However, Burton does give us a very cool and twisted film!

I've always had a love/hate relationship with Burton. The love consists of Beetlejuice, and the hate... his re-imagining of Planet of the Apes. But he's won my affection this time by making Alice a very colorful artistic and fun movie. Visually, I think Burton has been making the same movie for over 20 years now, and seeing it in 3-D didn't really make it look much different or better, (*insert my rant about hating 3-D glasses here*).

But it helps when he hires the likes of (again) Johnny Depp (as The Mad Hatter), and (again) Helena Bonham Carter (playing awesomely over-the-top as the The Red Queen). Also Alan Rickman... will not... disappoint, (please read the previous line in your best Alan Rickman impersonation for the full effect) as The Blue Caterpillar. And it also helps that Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is quite a cutie!

The story is simple and straightforward, (although some of the dialogue is a bit difficult to follow because of some thick accents and many made up words), but it really makes you curious about reading the original books. Reading... What a concept!

Everyone knows I love to rip apart movies but I really can't find any flaws here, but at the same time I couldn't find any particular '...wow!' moments either, but I still really enjoyed it.

Actually, there was one '...OMG OMG OMG!' moment in the version I saw. A preview for Tron 2: Legacy! I hope you excuse me as I giggle and clap like a little girl now...

Deeesher

2012 - The Movie - The Review!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel... exhausted. Because when the world finally ends, it will consist of lots of last minute pulse pounding escapes. Of course I'm talking about the DVD release of 2012.



Sure, I could have seen it in the theater but sometimes you just can't justify the expense for a movie that you're pretty sure is going to suck. And sometimes, seeing it in the comfort of your home makes a so-so movie, just a bit better.

Roland Emmerich loves destroying the world. He did it in Independence Day, and again in The Day After Tomorrow. This time we can blame earths destruction on ancient Mayan geologists who predicted the world would end on December 21, 2012. Apparently their computers were better than ours, cause we didn't figure it out until 2009 when this movie begins. I'd like to think ancient Mayans used a Mac.

Overall, 2012 looked very impressive, (maybe they should have tried the 3-D release? Although I am still cringing at the thought of 3-D nerd glasses!). It is important to shut off your brain while watching this movie because Mythbusters has easily disproved many of the action sequences... but its still fun to watch a Winnebago leap over a ten foot chasm etc. And don't get me wrong, not every scene is a fantastic escape! A few people unexpectedly die in this movie... give or take a few billion.

One of the people trying to survive is John Cusak, who finally makes an appearance after a much needed break from staring in every movie released from 1985 to 1992. And surprisingly, he acts exactly like John Cusak through the entire film. It was awesome to see Woody Harrelson as survivalist/conspiracy theorist, even if he didn't have to kill any zombies this time.

The biggest drawback of 2012, is that its long, (158 minutes!). Seriously?! It takes that long to destroy the earth?!? And when you're not balancing on the edge of your seat, we have intense moments of sap. I completely understand why those moments are needed but, they often just felt forced, uncomfortable and overly drawn out between the action.

None of that made it a bad movie though. There was however, one other glaring flaw. At one point, they are trying to save all the worlds great treasures. But I did not see anyone packing up my blogs! Oh where is the justice?!

The Love Boat Conspiracy!

A friend of mine recently asked a very important question:
"If Captain Stubing was such a great Captain, why did he never commanded a starship like the Enterprise?"

Well young Bradley, I'm glad you asked. The Love Boat Conspiracy, (aka Love Boat-Gate) goes deep into the politics of 1970's television, (Fortunately these politics do not affect our tv today).

Conceptually ahead of it's time, (it would eventually inspire shows like Lost), week after week the crew of The Love Boat were desperately trying to find an island... Fantasy Island. Mr. Roarke, (Ricardo Montalban) kept his Fantasy Island well hidden so he could focus on his plans for world domination.  Those who followed Roarke knew him by another name... Khan Noonien Singh, (aka Khaaaaaaan!!!).

Each week, the crew of the Love Boat endured many dangerous trials as Khan constantly threw new challenges at them. Unfortunately many scenes were cut due to the network wanting to focus more on celebrity guests, feeling the character of Khan would never catch on.

In the final episode, the crew captures Khan moments before his attempt to launch nuclear missiles at the US and Russia. With unprecedented, never-before-seen burrowing skills, we learn how Gopher got his name, (Fred Grandy also did all his own stunts for the show), he managed to swing in from the shadows, stopping Khan at the last minute and finally imprisoning him and his army onto an experimental cryogenics ship called the Botany Bay.  They remained in suspended animation until Captain Kirk revives them years later, (as seen in the classic episode of Star Trek, Space Seed... originally titled Return of the Love Boat Villain).

Sadly, Captain Stubing, (Gavin MacLeod) was killed in the last episode when he discovered Doc, (Bernie Kopell) was a double agent, which is why he was not around to command a Federation starship.

Many years later, all the outtakes and deleted footage were buried and labeled classified after Gopher became a state senator, and were never seen again.



Yoda however never appeared... cause that would just be silly.
Deeesher

Avatar the Review

Six months ago, whenever I saw previews or a poster for this movie, I would say, "...this is what everyone will be talking about next year!", and they would look at me like a freak, (okay, maybe more than normal). But, as usual, I am a visionary, because six months later, I am sick of hearing about this movie!

Of course I am talking about the new James Cameron epic, Avatar.



The story is simple enough, (maybe too simple?). We the humans, continue to prove what jerks we are by trying to take over a planet we found and kicking out the natives. I'm sure there was a deleted subplot where the humans give them blankets infested with smallpox. We've seen this story before from Dances with Wolves, to Pocahontas, to Return of the Jedi, (remember the Ewoks?). It really is a fill in the blanks type of script. Someone please tell me why this won a Golden Globe Award for Best Drama?!?

I will however give this the Deeesher Stamp of Approval for a few things though.

Huge thumbs up to James Cameron for giving us a real sci-fi movie, with interesting, unusual environments, and strange, original looking creatures and aliens. Recently, we've seen lots of superhero movies, and lots of horror, but nothing good from outer space since last years Star Trek. And before that...?

Sam Worthington (the main good guy, Jake Sully) could have been replaced by a talking monkey, (maybe he would have been more interesting then?), but I did enjoy Zoe Saldana, (Neytiri). She apparently has the best agent in Hollywood, because last year she was Uhura on Star Trek. Also Stephen Lang, (Col. Quaritch) and Giovanni Ribisi (Parker Selfridge), made good bad guys you could enjoy hating. Oh and Sigourney Weaver (Dr. Augustine) was in it too I guess... whatever.

But the star of Avatar was the special effects. I see billions of awards being given to this movie for the effects.

Legally, you have to see this movie in Imax 3-D, or all your friends will verbally abuse you. I was a bit extra excited about seeing it since I finally got contacts that work, (cause I couldn't get the full effect of 3-D wearing glasses). I will admit, it looked freakin' awesome... most of the time. Unfortunately, there were times when I couldn't focus on the 3-D because of the action. I found myself thinking a few times, "...but I don't want it to be in 3-D anymore!".

Which brings me to another point. Why, in the year 2010, with all our flying cars, and personal robots, and weather control machines, why are we still using glasses to see 3-D?!? I was eager to see this amazing cutting edge film in a huge theater on a giant screen with my new contacts, only to sit there like a dork with hundreds of others wearing cheap plastic nerd-inspired glasses! Can someone get to work on this please?

In the meantime, I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Mmmmm Zoe...



*insert blue balls joke here*
Deeesher