Aquaman 2019 Review

If you ask the nerds, there is an ongoing competition for superiority between Marvel and DC live action comic book movies. Truth be told, both companies want the other to do well. A successful superhero movie can easily drive audiences out to see another one. For the most part, in my humble opinion, Marvel seems to be very successful making the jump to the big screen. Also in my humble opinion, DC is very successful... in their animated department. I don't think they are very good in their live action releases. So after quite a few missteps, can they take one of the most unpopular heroes and make him likable? 

I say unpopular, because Aquaman has always been the butt of many superhero jokes. 

However, he has gone through a few changes in recent years, to try to make him look cool. 

And now we have Jason Momoa. In the past, an Aquaman Hero Pose was a bit of an oxymoron. And now...

And as I'm sure millions (billions?) of women will agree, Jason Momoa is one of the reasons this movie works! I don't think he was necessarily 'acting'. He just showed up and was himself, which is actually pretty impressive. If you don't believe me, look up Jason Momoa throwing an axe, drinking beer, playing bass, or jumping off cliffs.

But with all that charisma, your co-star had better be able to keep up with you. And honestly, I don't think Mera (Amber Heard) could do it. The chemistry between them felt very forced, and her performance was just there. She looked great! But I don't think they're right for each other. Let's all say it together: "You can do better...!"

Ugh... I think?

Now Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) and Momoa have chemistry! Sadly, we don't get to see nearly enough of this relationship! The movie focuses primarily on his overly convoluted family issues and all the undersea ruling kingdoms. I understand why this was important for his origin story, but it felt like it dragged occasionally. And at a running time of 2 hours and 23 minutes, you do not want your undersea adventure to drag. Towards the end, it devolved into the Lord of the Rings, with billions of tiny CGI characters attacking billions of other tiny CGI characters. I found myself looking at the time asking them to wrap everything up quickly.

But for the rest of it, director James Wan made soooooo many beautiful shots! I might have drooled. This makes up for years of dark and depressing DC films. And fight choreography you can see FTW!!

"But Deeesher, how does it compare to other super hero movies???"

First, as you know, in recent years, there has been so many super hero movies, it becomes difficult to rank them. However, nerds will still find a way to do it. Marvel has raised the bar so high, it's not easy to reach that tier, but in some ways, I think this was a success. I enjoyed Aquaman, and I'm eager for a sequel, but I still think there are some suits in DC/WB that don't quite get it. 

For DC movies, Aquaman and Wonder Woman are both good in some ways, and not so good in other ways. But still this is the best DC has to offer in live action. Although, I stand behind my love of DC/CW season 1 and 2 of The Flash, and their crossovers are EPIC! Those should be theatrically released! *hint hint WB*

In comparison to Marvel movies, I would say Aquaman is better than:
Iron Man 3
Thor 1
and... (dare I say?) Doctor Strange and Spider-man Homecoming 
*ducks*

And by the way...

SOMEWHERE in the Atlantic...?  Shouldn't they be more PACIFIC???
LOLOLOLOLOL

*DISCLAIMER: Yes I wrote this review just so I could use that joke. I will also look for an opportunity to post it again on social media somewhere in the future.

My apologies,
Deeesher

Wonder Woman Review

There are so many things I could say about women, and their portrayal in movies and television!  But as a guy, I'm extremely unqualified to write anything about it, and just barely smart enough to know that I shouldn't even try.

And I really can't say I'm an expert on Wonder Woman either, because I've never followed the comics.  But, I loved the Lynda Carter 1975-1979 series!  She's always been the perfect embodiment of what I felt Wonder Woman should be.  If you're interested, I recommend watching season two and three when the show was moved to a new network and took place in modern times. Even as a kid watching, I remember thinking the World War II stories in season one were cheesy. 

I'd also suggest the Justice League animated series from 2001 which often featured Wonder Woman, as well as her solo animated movie from 2009.  For a long time, I kept shouting, "Why don't they make a live action version of this!"  

But nobody ever listens to me.  Instead, we get:

Is it wrong for me to ask how this version of Wonder Woman... stacks up to others?   I have a feeling I will be apologizing a lot after writing this...

Traditionally, Wonder Woman was associated with World War II.  However, someone at DC/WB decided to move her origin story a bit further back to begin in World War I.  This way nobody would try to confuse/compare it with Marvel/Disney's Captain America: The First Avenger.  But in the world of 2017, I don't think people notice the difference.  It's still a war against Germans.

And the Amazon women on the island of Themyscira don't know the difference either, because they are hidden and completely isolated from the world of men (which could be for the best).  Until Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) shows up accidentally, bringing the war with him.  Typical. 

Yes, this is an origin story.  And as far as theatrical superhero/heroine origins go, this was awesome!  After so many misses from DC/WB, it's nice to finally see them do it right.  They created a fun and cohesive story that kept me entertained from beginning to end.  In my (simple) mind, I don't think they made a movie for women or for men.  They just made a movie that everyone could enjoy.  And if someone tries to tell you it's just a rip-off of Captain America... they're an idiot!  Other than fighting Germans in a war, there are soooo many differences.   

And yes, I know casting Gal Gadot as Diana was not anyone's first choice (or second... or third choice).  But she did fine.  I sort of accepted her accent since she was far removed from America.  I could even accept her physicality for the role.  I know prior to filming, she had been training hard to appear less frail, and it showed.  She had the intensity when needed, but remained feminine as well.  She also played a great fish out of water character, but still appeared emotionally invested during key moments.  I didn't see her (or anyone in the cast) delivering an Oscar winning performance, but none of the acting took me out of the movie either.  I did appreciate all the key characters.  Everyone in their final ensemble were well crafted and interesting, creating a lot of depth to the story.

But all hail the real Wonder Woman here:  Director Patty Jenkins.  I could see the action, and I loved her use of colors!  *gasp*  I don't think DC/WB has accepted color since Christopher Nolan banned them in Batman Begins from 2005.  To me, this has always been the biggest difference between the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and DC.  Marvel knew how to make things colorful.  DC seemed to film everything in mud... in the dark.  After seeing how well Wonder Woman worked visually, I sincerely hope that DC/WB producers can finally understand that sharp reds, blues, and well lit scenes will not terrify audiences.

And I know, a lot of people have said that Patty's use of slow motion during fight scenes was overused, and most likely stolen from Zack Snyder.  To this I say Bah!  I always loved the slow motion fights from Zack!  But I don't think she borrowed/stole this idea from him.  Maybe producers heavily suggested it to her, but I clearly remember watching awesome fight scenes on television from the Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, Incredible Hulk, AND Wonder Woman, where they often fought in slow motion.  Those were fun!  Okay, sure it's always nice if a movie has impressive fight choreography, but to me, I want to see the camera pulled back so I can watch it.  Sadly, too often you can't see it because the camera is so close, or the scene is edited too quickly.  If those are my options, I'll take slow mo any day.   

So yes, I was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable Wonder Woman was.  Maybe if you're not into fantasy/comic book stories, this isn't really for you.  But if you are, it's a very well directed movie, with some interesting characters, while making some very powerful statements about war, and gender differences, without being preachy.

But I still think they created the worst theme song ever (which originated in Batman vs Superman).  That annoying guitar riff seemed a bit more buried in orchestration here, but it was still there, grinding painfully into my brain.  Maybe they should have let a woman create her theme song.

Okay, I think I've done enough mansplaining for now.

Deeesher

Gotham Season 1 Review

It seems like just yesterday when I first heard about this new Fox series called Gotham.  Everyone was all giddy with anticipation to watch the origin of Batman and the rise of Jim Gordon through the corruption of the Gotham City Police Department.

And it seems like it was just the day after yesterday, when myself and all my nerdly friends were so disgusted and frustrated with the horrendous writing, after seeing the first few episodes, we vowed never to watch it again.  We just hoped this type of abomination would be cancelled quickly, and the creators brought up on charges of hate crimes for destroying such iconic characters.

But something weird happened... Gotham wasn't cancelled.  As I write this, they are about to begin season three.  How is this possible, when everyone hated it???  Well, actually... it seems some people really enjoy it.  I can hear your collective scoffs at the idea, but I have met some of these people.  They really like the show!  How is this possible???

I needed to find out what exactly was going on.  I knew none of my friends would ever watch again, so like meeting a mugger in an alleyway behind a theater, I took a bullet for you and watched all of season one.

The trick to watching and, (dare I say?), enjoying, this series is, you have to look at everything very objectively.  Pretend you know nothing about Batman, or any of the characters in the entire mythos.  For some of you, this is impossible.  You have seen every incarnation of the Bat imaginable, and you can't accept that someone might have a version askew of your deeply ingrained concepts. 

However, others (some of us?), are open minded enough to understand and respect that occasionally origin stories are altered.  Even in comic books, the history of some characters have been tweaked over the years to change with the times.  The fundamental basics are usually still intact, but there is always some idiot that thinks he can do it better than it's been done before.  Sometimes they actually improve on those original ideas.  Sometimes they don't.

Therein lies the conundrum that is Gotham.  Some things they did very well!  And other things really suck.

In my humble opinion, one thing I found particularly sucky, was how much fan service they try to shove down our throats.  It feels like they don't have the confidence in their own writing to focus on the core characters of the show.  They seem obsessed with putting as much Bat-history into each episode that they can find.  Whether it's someone obscure, or common, if you liked a particular Bat-villain, Gotham will figure out a way to slip that character into an episode.  And unfortunately, some of those random diversions in the main story arc just didn't work.  They tried to do so much in season one, it's easy to overlook some of the impressive elements of the series.

So like Peter Quill in a dance-off, let's break it down.

WHAT THEY GOT RIGHT

Gotham
I'm referring to the actual city.  It looks and feels right.  There is quite literally a dark cloud hanging over everything.  The buildings look perfectly big, industrial, and just waiting for some masked vigilante to shoot a grappling hook into the top of them  Even Arkham Asylum was very well crafted.  Gotham feels like a character itself, and that's kind of cool.

Penguin
All hail actor Robin Lord Taylor.  He created a fantastic, but unique version of Oswald Cobblepot that I can respect.  His appearance and acting helps you accept that this sneaky, odd little man, can eventually become a powerful crime lord in Gotham.  I was eager to see him more and more.  He alone is the reason to watch this series.

Ed Nygma
When he first appeared, I rolled my eyes a bit.  With Penguin already an important character, it seemed like overkill to wedge the future Riddler in as a secondary character.  But honestly, I started to appreciate actor Cory Michael Smith more as the series went on.  He stands out and feels like a modern comic book adaptation.  Occasionally he borders on annoying, but if they can reign him in, he'll be one to watch in later seasons.

Harvey Bullock
Actor Donal Logue was the first thing that I liked when I originally started watching the show. He felt comic book accurate.  Occasionally he was too cliché, but maybe that's why he was enjoyable too.

Harvey Dent
Appearing in only a few episodes in season one, they developed him properly.  I do appreciate the lighting on him, showing half his face in shadows.  Bonus points for foreshadowing.  Well, I want to think it was intentional anyway.

Bruce Wayne and Alfred
Child actors can be fairly annoying.  But this kid gets it (David Mazouz).  It's nice to watch him become a detective and figure out right and wrong.  It helps that he has Alfred (Sean Pertwee), who is also that perfect balance of mentor, guardian, and obviously Butler too. 

Victor Zsasz

I felt annoyed at the producers for adding yet another Batman villain into an already convoluted mix.  But actor Anthony Carrigan made this character enjoyably creepy.  

Luscious Fox

Shown very briefly for one episode, actor Chris Chalk seems like he will be a good fit as well.   

WHAT THEY GOT GOOD ENOUGH

Jim Gordon
At it's core, Gotham should be about Jim Gordon (Ben McKenzie).  More often than not, he is secondary to whatever else is going on around him.  I don't dislike him.  But I can't love him either.  He just shows up, and occasionally stops criminals. 

Selina Kyle
Producers seem very eager to showcase a young Catwoman (Camren Bicondova).  At times, she seemed too ridiculous to take seriously.  But other times, there is a decent origin story for who she is destined to become when she's older.  It's nice to see her and young Bruce together.  But is she necessary to the story?  Maybe not...

Mob Bosses
On the one hand, they seem very cliche.  On the other hand... I've known some very cliche older Italian people in my life, who may, or may not have been involved in the Mafia.  So is it accurate, or just a bad 1920's version of what producers think the Mob is like?  I will say, I did see some very well crafted story elements involving them though.  I say that seriously, and also to make sure my kneecaps aren't spontaneously broken tomorrow.

WHAT THEY GOT HORRIBLY WRONG

Fish Mooney
From the ridiculous cartoon name, to the pointless over the top acting, to the eye rolling outfits, THIS is the main reason to never watch this show again.  Producers wanted to create a new character to make their mark in the Batman archive.  This was not the way to do it.  It seems as if writers, or producers or actress Jada Pinkett Smith watched too much Adam West Batman.  This character is so wrong for this show.  And honestly, I don't think she would work well on Adam West's Batman either.  After a while, I was very eager to just fast forward through every one of her scenes.  

The Mayor
When you hire an actor to play the Mayor of such a dark, corrupt city, would you consider hiring someone best known for their comedy roles?  Apparently the producers of Gotham thought that was a good idea when they hired Richard Kind.  And yes, he plays him as foolishly as you can imagine.  He overreacts, he gets overly emotional and just feels out of place as mayor.  I don't care if he's corrupt, he should at least have some semblance of being an adult in a position of power. 

Ivy
Stop.  Just stop.  I can't think of any reason to include this character.  She's pointless and adding her just feels forced and unnecessary.   

Kristen Kringle
Again the show tries to appear too cartoon-ish.  The object of Ed Nygma's affection (Chelsea Spack), seems too exaggerated and poorly written.  To make Nygma stand out more, in such a dark story, she should be 'normal'. 

Mrs.Kapelput

And here we have another reason to turn off this show.  Fortunately she only appears in a few episodes, but actress Carol Kane plays the same foreign character she's been doing since it was first conceived in the series Taxi in 1979.  Stop.  Please.  This is not the place for it.

Most Secondary Criminals
Gotham seems eager to interweave a criminal of the week throughout their main story.  And more often than not, that criminal of the week is very poorly written.  There are some exceptions, but many of them  are forgettable.  If you haven't already forgotten them by the end of the episode, you will be eager to try to forget them soon enough.  

So having seen all of season one, I can't say I hated it.  It was like a roller coaster.  I guess you could call it a Bat-coaster.  I think there are many missed opportunities in the show.  I really wish Thomas and Martha Wayne would have stayed alive for one full season, so we could appreciate all they did for the city.  Then when they are tragically killed, we would feel something.  I wish they would focus strictly on Penguin, Jim Gordon/Harvey Bullock, and the Mobs.  I think there is enough with those characters alone to create a very enjoyable series.  I wish they could decide if they want to be a serious show or just outright goofy.

And to be clear, the Adam West version of Batman is the only one allowed to be a bit silly.

But for serious stories, you should watch nearly every incarnation of Warner Bros. Batman animated from 1992 with Kevin Conroy's voice.  That series, and many of the movies spawned after, are more intelligent and better crafted than most shows on television today.

You can also play the Batman video games, Arkham Asylum and Arkham City.  But if you're not a gamer, you can always just watch the cut scenes on Youtube.  Totally worth it.

Or I guess you could read a comic book.  I hear they know a little something about Batman.  And the artwork is usually fairly impressive as well.

Although, the Arkham games did have some decent character designs too.  Case in point:

Holy Blog Batman!
Deeesher

Why I Hate Christopher Nolan

Everyone loves Christopher Nolan. He has directing credits, and writing credits for some of the most popular movies in the last ten years. Geeks and nerds around the world are building shrines in his name. I want to point this out, because I don't believe anything I say here will cause him to weep in a corner on a big pile of money. He is also from London, so at best, he might give me a hearty “Cheers, mate”, if he took time to read my rant.

  

I should also explain, he's not a horrible director. I will give credit where credit is due of course, but we need to take a moment and examine his popularity. Today, I plan to finally expose how this man has somehow brainwashed the world into accepting him as a hero. Once again, our core nerd values are at stake, and yet, he continues to gain accolades, where none are due!

Blasphemy you say??? Don't believe me? Let's take a moment to dissect the movies that people have been shoving down my throat telling me how good they are.

Memento (2000)

Here's a trailer:

If you're curious, he has no super powers, so the intro with the gun flying into his hand, is what the kids call trick photography. Guy Pearce plays Leonard, a guy who suffers from a very real mental illness (called anterograde amnesia, for future psychiatric students reading). While trying to keep track of people he met, and things that happen, he's constantly writing notes, and taking pictures. But since we live in America, people love to play cruel jokes on someone like this, so he's never sure what to believe.

But Mr. Nolan wasn't content to just tell a story. He had to tell a confusing story! I can only assume he watched too much Pulp Fiction, or episodes of Lost, where the story jumps around through time. Memento tells the story mostly in reverse, backing up roughly 10 minutes at a time. Since I'm not one of those “smart” people, a very straightforward story, suddenly became a big mess.

Whatever happened to linear story telling??? Maybe I can sort of understand why he did this, because it does build a bit of a mystery. But when you put things in order, it's a pretty good movie, so why screw with it?? And if you're curious to see it in the proper sequence, youtube has versions of the entire movie, re-edited in the proper sequence for your listening and dancing pleasure.

RottenTomatoes gave Memento a 92%. Maybe I'm just a clueless idiot?

Personally, I thought it was done right the first time in 1994, when it starred Dana Carvey and was called Clean Slate. Here's another trailer:

Although, the real credit should go to Saturday Night Live, and Tom Hanks for creating Mr. Short-Term Memory in 1988:

This brings us to the movie that made Nolan “legendary” (note the quotes):

Batman Begins (2005)

Here's an important life lesson: You don't have to work too hard to impress anyone, if everyone else screwed it up. Case in point, 1997's Batman and Robin *cringe*. I sincerely hope you know how bad Joel Schumacher's version of Batman was (starring George Clooney). If however, you enjoyed it, please stop reading now and seek professional help.

So in 2005, nerds everywhere rejoiced! Someone took the character of Batman seriously, and made a believable movie about this epic franchise! There were a lot of things to like about this movie. Christian Bale made a very good Bruce Wayne (although questionable Batman with his painfully gravely voice). Gary Oldman made a great Jim Gordon. You also had Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, and Morgan Freeman. Very impressive! Well, on a personal note, Katie Holmes just did the job and never overly impressed me.

And with a surprisingly decent script by David Goyer and Christopher Nolan, this was a very good Batman movie. But, I can hear you shouting, “But Deeesher, why didn't you looooove this movie???” I said I enjoyed it. But looooove is a very strong word. The main reason, is because I couldn't find any “moments” in this movie.

When I watch a movie, I look for something artistic and memorable. Think back on movies you love, and there are always scenes and dialogue that stick out very clearly in your mind. Whether it's Kirk screaming “KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!”, or Charlton Heston pounding his fist on the sand in front of the busted up Statue of Liberty, or Superman catching a helicopter in 1978, or King Leonidas shouting “This.. is.. Sparta!” before kicking the dude into the bottomless pit. These moments have power, and impact. A movie isn't required to have these moments to be enjoyable (or successful), but it really does help in this particular genre.

How often did Batman Begins slap you in the face and make you realize you were watching something epic? Was there a “Snakes... why'd it have to be snakes...” moment? Was there even a “Luke, I am your father” moment? How about a “There is no spoon” moment? I got none of that. To me, this is the difference between like, and loooove. Batman Begins was just a wash of mud. An enjoyable wash, but still just mud. And isn't the job of a director, to make something memorable for moviegoers? Maybe you will tell me that was the fault of the scriptwriter (just as a reminder, Nolan co-wrote the screenplay). Or maybe it was the fault of the actors.

But one thing I can blame Nolan for, is the look. Movies are meant to tell a story, and possibly also be be artistic. The more epic your movie, the more artistic I will expect it to be. If your name is Rob Schneider, I'm not expecting to see anything cinematically beautiful on the screen. If you name your movie Sharknado, I can lower my expectations exponentially. However, if you are spending millions of dollars to create something, that you expect to make billions of dollars for, I will anticipate something to really wow me.

Technicolor was invented in 1916. Why isn't he using it??? Movies have colors like, red, green, blue, yellow. I'm pretty sure there are a few other colors, but overall, when used properly, they tend to give a movie a bit of life. All I see from Nolan, is brown, black, and white. Memento added some light blue and occasional black and white scenes, but that's it. Is Nolan colorblind? Have I finally exposed his deepest secret perhaps?

And now you shout to me, “But Deeesher, this is Batman, The Dark Knight! Of course it's supposed to be dark and gritty in Gotham!”. Now I must remind you of a movie from 1994, called The Crow, starring Brandon Lee. This was also based on a comic book. But not just any comic book... a black and white comic book! The Crow somehow managed to use color, but still created the same feel as the comic book. I always said, it was one of the best black and white color movies ever made. But whatever happened to director Alex Proyas? Well, please just remember how good The Crow was.

But let's move on shall we...

The Prestige (2006)

A movie filled with superheroes! Okay, maybe not. Two magicians from London in the 1890's hate each other. Starring Hugh Jackman (formerly known as Wolverine), Christian Bale (formerly known as Batman), Scarlett Johansson (formerly known as Black Widow), and David Bowie (formerly known as Ziggy Stardust... look it up kids!).

For the most part, I enjoyed this movie. Although, I did figure out 'the twist' half way through. But it was still a good story, maybe cause I like magic, and Tesla. I will even go so far, to give Nolan a pass for the browns, blacks and white look of this film, because remember, nobody invented color until 1916.

However, once again, Nolan seems to enjoy this non-linear storytelling. Maybe I could accept it, if there was a very obvious change in the look of the scene, showing you it's six months earlier, or one year later etc. Maybe you could even put text at the bottom of the screen, saying “Six months earlier”. But with my tiny brain, I had to really pay attention to the scene to figure out when in the story it takes place, causing me a bit more confusion than I am accustomed to.

The Dark Knight (2008)

Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger, Heath Ledger. I can't say enough about his performance. Remember those 'moments' I talked about earlier? Here they are! His performance as Joker really helps you ignore some of the flaws in this movie. And sadly, there are still plenty of flaws.

Again, keeping consistent, we have the drab browns, blacks, whites and greys. The exception being the Joker. The only bit of life in this entire dull looking franchise. Otherwise, once again, I felt this was more like CSI: Gotham City, than a theatrical movie.

The story was decent, but I will always say Harvey Dent's story, (played by Aaron Eckhart) needed to end after Joker visited him in the hospital. Instead, suddenly we have two villains to contend with at the end of the movie. Two-Face should have been saved for the third movie in the trilogy.

Inception (2010)

Well this was interesting. Dreams, within dreams, within dreams etc. It was unique (if you ignore Dreamscape starring Dennis Quaid and Max Von Sydow from 1984). I can say I mostly enjoyed this. Although, Nolan's use of browns, blacks, and greys are getting very old very quickly. There was some pretty things visually, which was a nice change of pace for Nolan.

Dark Knight Rises (2012)

*sigh* So much potential. So much crap. I did give this movie a fairly decent review, if you shut off your brain and stop thinking. If you don't examine the story too closely, it was fun-ish. Tom Hardy as Bane made it mostly enjoyable as another memorable bad guy (although still drastically different from the comic book... why???). Anne Hathaway as Selina (aka Catwoman) also made it enjoyable for other reasons.

This movie could have been helped with a better story, and of course a bit of color. It could also have used some decent fight choreography, and maybe a bit of lighting, less quick edits and pull your camera back so we can see what's going on, but... maybe I'm silly.

Man of Steel (2013)

The more I think about this movie, the more it makes me angry. But I'm not sure who to be angry at. Everything inside me, is eager to blame Nolan, because I've always loved director Zack Snyder. But how much influence did Nolan as producer have over the project? Nolan co-wrote the story with David Goyer, but who's decision was it to take away the core values of what makes Superman a hero?

And again you shout to me, “But Deeesher, Superman really needed a 2013 reboot, and he's learning to become a hero!” And I say to you, stop yelling at me. And I very strongly agree, Superman needed a 2013 reboot... but this wasn't it. It is possible to keep the important small town philosophy of Clark Kent, and still have him be the hero we know for today.

Man of Steel had a lot of potential, and after they spent millions of dollars making it, they really fell short in my mind. There were a couple of nice scenes, but they were heavily overshadowed by bad writing. I have a couple of great ideas on how to make the Clark/Superman/Lois love triangle work... but nobody asked me!

And again the look... between the fast quick camera edits, the extremely annoying shaky cam making it difficult to see, to the washed out uniforms and drab backgrounds, I just feel cold and empty inside.

So there ya go. Nolan's not a bad director, but maybe he's more suited for television than taking our nerdly birthrights away from us. This rant has been slowly building over the last few years, but the final breaking point was after hearing the announcement of Man of Steel 2, with special guest star, Batman. The roar of nerd-cheer was heard around the world... as I cringed in terror. Are nerds and geeks so blinded by this epic event, that none of them take a moment to really study what they are giving us??

Of course I will keep an open mind, but given what I've seen so far, I am extremely apprehensive.

And this just in: Remember how painful it was to hear about Nicholas Cage playing Ghost Rider? Ben Affleck has been signed to play the new Batman! At what point can I start shouting, “I told you so!!” It seems Christopher Nolan hates us, so it's okay for us to hate him back.

Oh Joss Whedon, you've never hurt me. Please keep me safe with your big strong Buffy/Angel/Firefly/Avengers arms! Make my dreams come true by writing and directing Wonder Woman pleeeeeease!!

Deeesher

Dark Knight Rises

Didn't I just review a superhero movie??? Seems like every time I turn around, another one is released. Why can't we have one summer filled with heart-warming, touching stories about two people hopelessly in love but somehow never able to connect. Maybe one of them could be dying from an incurable disease. Either that, or another Rob Schneider movie.

HA! Sorry, I can't continue like that after tasting the bile in my mouth. The truth is, the last few years have been Nerd Mecca in theaters, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And this year, maybe the ultimate in Nerd-vana, is the final chapter in the Christopher Nolan version of Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.

I'm trying to figure out what to say about this movie, because I keep my reviews spoiler-free. But 90% of this movie is spoilers! So... it's got Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale), Bane (Tom Hardy), and Catwoman (Anne Hathaway). That's about all I can tell you.

Yes, I've enjoyed all three of Nolan's Batman movies, and maybe this is the best of them but...

Just so I'm clear, I don't hate director Christopher Nolan. I want to, but I can't. He's like that annoying kid in school that always tries to get attention by eating paste. It's fun, but is it unique? Nolan is very good at telling a story, and I like the way I can see most of the action (unlike other directors I hate *COUGH*j.j. abrams*COUGH*michael bay*COUGH*). However, he tries to make a movie set in the 'real world'. Some people like this. It's just not for me. I always feel like I'm watching an episode of CSI: Gotham City, or Law and Order CGD (Commissioner Gordon District).

At the risk of getting pelted by fan Batarangs, for me, none of Nolan's Batmen, were very epic. I personally never had a moment where I looked at his style and said, “Wow!”. Yes, they've had some very good stories, and amazing acting, (particularly Heath Ledger as Joker from 2008's The Dark Knight), but I had no interest in seeing this in IMAX, because he didn't do anything spectacular. I could save a few bucks and enjoy it equally on a smaller screen.

Speaking of acting... How about that Michael Caine as Alfred! He was seriously underused in the previous Batmans, and I'm very happy to see them take advantage of his talents here. I genuinely felt for Alfred, and I appreciated every moment he was on screen.

Also very noteworthy was Tom Hardy as Bane. If you ignore how he sounds like Darth Vader with a bad accent, and if you ignore that his storyline is much different than the original comic book, he really does a great job with the role. Even when he just stood there, he felt very imposing. He truly made this character come to life!

Everyone else did as expected by the caliber of their talents. Morgan Freeman is always good as Morgan Freeman (Lucius Fox), Gary Oldman was very Commissioner Gordon-y, and Christian Bale made a great Bruce Wayne, but still too gravely and stiff as Batman. And did I mention Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? I wouldn't mind watching a movie with her for three hours... in slow motion.

Yes, Dark Knight Rises is almost three hours long, but it does move along very nicely. It is fun and has some exciting moments with great acting, (and an extra wow to Hans Zimmer for an amazing musical score). But try to forget what you know about the comic books. Try to forget that Batman has many gadgets he never uses here. Try to forget how horrible Christian Bale sounds when talking as Batman. And try to forget everything you may know about the medical profession.

And did I mention Anne Hathaway as Catwoman?

There are some things you never want to forget...

Deeesher