Deeeshing It Out

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sucker Punch Review

Last year, I saw previews for the movie Sucker Punch, and instantly felt this was the greatest movie I will ever see! It had everything; explosions, giant samurai robots, fire-breathing dragons, sword fights, women in prison and more...!

So here we are after a year of eager anticipation, and I see many negative reviews. Yikes. What went wrong?!?

Let me first say I disagree with a lot of the negative reviews. I enjoyed it quite a bit, (although it's not as perfect as I'd hoped), but this is much more of a cult classic than easily accepted general public eye-candy.

I think for the average moviegoer, the story was a bit too cerebral. Sure the setup is easy enough: Baby Doll (Emily Browning), is sent to a mental institute by her psycho stepfather a la a very cool music video style intro. And that's about where common sense ends... Well, if you call naming your main character Baby Doll 'common sense'. From there, her mind sends her to work in a 1940's brothel with other girls who just want to escape. During their escape attempts, Baby Doll dances, which transports us into an almost anime style steam-punk world where all the super ass-kicking happens. Um... yea.

Zack Snyder wrote it, as well as directing and while the writing isn't bad (although maybe a bit pretentious at times), maybe he should stick to making comic book movies like 300 (where my bromance with Zack began) and Watchmen. I also wonder if focusing so much on the writing, affected his directing. Zack loves his slow motion and generally in past movies, the action was very fun and exciting to see. This time however, some action scenes felt like he was falling into the Michael Bay trap of quick close edits. Oh don't worry, nobody is that bad!

The characters are all interesting to watch, and women should appreciate it because the girls aren't dressed gratuitously. I still think they could have made the outfits a bit more sexy... but I only say that cause I like a bit of sugar in my eye-candy. Oh relax people, they made a point to show the girls are over 18!

These legally aged adults consist of Baby Doll in her blonde pigtails and school girl outfit swinging around samurai swords, (if you're into that sort of thing). We also have Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), and my personal favorite's Amber (Jamie Chung), and Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens... who I hear has naked pictures of herself on the internet somewhere, again if you're into that sort of thing).

In a world where all men are awesomely evil, we do get one Wise Man played by Scott Glenn. While he did a fine job, all I could think was how perfect David Carradine would have been for this. Oh David, why did you have to pleasure yourself to death?!?

Sucker Punch is a unique movie with a look and style all it's own, feeling like a very fun mash-up of video games, and anime set to a great soundtrack. Much respect to Zack Snyder for filling in that steam-punk gap that has been missing from our movies for so long now making me very eager to see what he will do with Superman when it's finished sometime in 2012.

One last thought...
While we never got to see Baby Doll dance, I think maybe this is okay. I would be very disappointed to discover that the dance that mesmerized the bad guys so deeply was only the Macarena.

Terrified of the world I would be transported into if I tried to dance,
Deeesher

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Clone Wars the Movie Review

Many people think that since I used to have a goofy Star Trek picture on my profile, I am one of those 'anti-Star Wars fans. To them, I say bah! In fact, for many reasons I may be a bigger Star Wars fan, (mostly considering how disgusting the Star Trek franchise has been in the last few years… please don't make me hurt you J.J Abrams!).

So due to my high nerd status, you can imagine how eagerly everyone is waiting on my review of Star Wars: Clone Wars.

This is only sort of from Lucas the Hutt, (oh come on people… have you seen how he's let himself go?!).

I say sort of, because he only came up with the idea and did nothing else beyond signing the checks.

This one could also be called Episode two and a half, stuck somewhere between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Mostly it deals with Obi-Wan, Anakin, and his new Padawan Ahsoka Tano, (who is actually kind of cute in a young alien Togruta sorta way).

Originally debuting in the theater, I was eager to see a new Star Wars movie like any self-respecting nerd, (even if it is digitally animated), but I sensed a great disturbance in the force… or actually maybe it was just in the hard chiseled look of the characters. I mean seriously people, why do they seem to look like they were modeled after Mount Rushmore???

If this were 1998, the look of this movie would have been very cutting edge, and show an amazing advancement, but it seems like nobody at Lucasfilm has ever heard of Square Enix! Check out the recent character for Final Fantasy XIII.

Not only does the Clone Wars animation look like blocks of wood, they moved like they had a stick up their ass. I will confess, the Clone Troopers looked very good, as well as the droids and most of the environments, but the harsh rigid look of the characters really took away from any realism the movie and series could have had.

Sadly, this was not my only problem. Why do we have to endure no-name voice actors for most of the characters we are very familiar with??? Maybe I could have accepted one person not being available, but the majority of the characters were read by someone else. The only exceptions were Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu), Christopher Lee (Count Dooku), and Anthony Daniels, (duh). I mean seriously, are Hayden Christensen (Anakin) and Ian McDiarmid (Palpatine) that busy these days or was Lucas the Hutt holding out the credits on them??

But wait, there's more…!

Star Wars has certain expectations that are ingrained into your brain from many years of Lucas the Hutts brainwashing of the masses. First and foremost, one name: John Williams. You know the score, (um… pun intended), as soon as you see the Star Wars title, you expect to hear a certain theme song. Denied! Fine, you want to use a different composer, but just give me the freakin' opening credits people! Beyond this glaring faux pas, the rest of the music was actually fairly decent and had a different feel from anything John Williams had done. But I could not forgive them for instantly reminding me this did not feel like Star Wars.

The pain continued to build when I was also denied any type of opening scroll to read. Maybe I don't come to a movie to read, but the opening scroll is another expectation in the Star Wars universe. Instead, we were given a very cheesy narration to explain the status of the galaxy. At this moment, I almost walked out thinking I was in the wrong theater.

And at no point does anyone say, "…I've got a bad feeling about this." Although, they did say it twice in Episode IV, so maybe that will make up for this one.

By now maybe you're thinking there is nothing good about Clone Wars. Well, that's not entirely true. It feels a bit obvious the movie was made more for kids, who I think will really enjoy it. It does have a lot of good solid action scenes, and the story is fairly decent, even if it is a bit simple. Many of the new characters are also very interesting.

Is all that enough to save it? Eh…

On the other un-severed hand... the television series based on the Clone Wars movie is featured on Cartoon Network. Somehow it works better on a smaller screen, (assuming you're like me and aren't rich enough to afford the 60 inch DLP). The stories are 30 minutes (well, after commercials maybe 20 minutes) and each one continues to the next episode. I still feel the same way about the look of the animation, but the stories are actually pretty decent for the most part and add a good amount of action. In later seasons, they've realized maybe their fans are growing up (or already grown up), and started writing for this type of audience. If you're eager for your lightsaber fix, and want to know what happened between Episode 2 and 3, check it out... but try to overlook the block design of the characters please.

In the meantime, let's talk about Square Enix again shall we?

Mmmmmm… *insert digitally enhanced drool here*
Deeesher

Something To Scream About

I love my survival horror video games! Oh sure, I enjoy my Tomb Raiders, and God of War types but I can never get enough decent …boo’s. I guess I just enjoy being scared. I don’t mean ‘threat of nuclear war’ scare, or ‘why won’t this rash go away?!’ scare. I’m talking good old fashioned ghosts and monsters type of frights.

So when Deadspace was released (for Xbox, PS3, and PC), I thought this could be right up my dark demented alley. You play as Isaac Clarke (named after sci-fi authors Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke), who is part of a rescue team sent into deep space to figure out what happened to the mining ship, USG Ishimura. It seems they decided to stop sending communications after they brought a giant ancient artifact onboard. Maybe it had something to do with all the ships crew turning into disgusting monster/zombie/aliens.

There is a lot that is familiar in Deadspace because they borrow heavily from other horror movies and games. But is it an homage, or rip-off? I see bits of Event Horizon (one of my favorite movies), Silent Hill 2 (one of my all-time favorite games), Alien, and Bioshock sprinkled throughout. But this game seems to lack the soul of its source material. There are constant moans, groans, growls, rattles and bangs heard throughout the ship as it slowly falls apart around you, and there are plenty of ewwww moments as well. But is it as scary as a Silent Hill, or the Fatal Frame series (one of my other all-time favorites)? I think I jumped maybe twice during gameplay, (but I did so in a manly sort of way of course).

The overall story felt a bit drawn out to me, especially when you pretty much know how it’s going to end. And nothing is more annoying than being an errand boy, because everyone seems too lazy and/or terrified to walk out of their comfy safe zones to fix anything themselves. I spent most of the time just following the ‘objective path’ clicking on things without really knowing what I was doing or why.

They did do a lot of things right however. One of the best parts of this game is the way they keep you totally immersed in it. That means no opening up your inventory to catch your breath and get a quick health drink! Sure you can open your inventory, but it’s done as a heads-up-display. So while you’re enjoying a cool refreshing beverage, an alien/monster can tear your leg off. Even the cinematics are all rendered within the game, so there are no put-down-the-controller-and-watch-a-cool-movie moments, because you don’t know when things will suddenly throw you back into the action again. And yes, the visuals of the ship and space were very impressive, but I still miss the fully rendered movies.

I also enjoyed the over the shoulder camera for this game, (I prefer this style over a first person shooter, I guess because I want to see my hero getting his ass kicked). Once you get the hang of dismembering the alien/zombies, it is actually a lot of fun. There are a few different weapons available for purchase and upgrades, (purchase?!? Seriously?!? So in space, nobody can hear you scream but apparently they can hear you swipe your credit card!). Don’t worry too much about cash, because the monster/zombies carry tons of it so you can pick their pockets when they’re dead.

But most offensive to me, was the voiceless, faceless hero, Isaac. Didn’t we do this in Bioshock, Halo and Metroid? Being the strong silent type is one thing, but with so many interacting with him, why wouldn’t he speak?!? I want a hero with attitude I can look up to like Kratos, or Dante, or Lara Croft, or Mario… well, maybe not Mario so much. So Isaac as a character is a bit of a disappointment for me.

I would still recommend Deadspace, if you’re into this kind of thing. Maybe I’ve been a bit desensitized over the years and maybe for the average person, it is a terrifying game. There are also plenty of cool mini-games and replay-ability, (and the zero gravity stuff is a mix of fun and disorienting!). But seriously, for the current price of $29, how scary is that??

Moan groan growl rattle bangs… boo,

Deeesher

Thursday, December 30, 2010

In Case You Missed It

I say a lot of dumb things. Maybe years from now, psychologists can look at some of the things I've said, and conclude, "...well, there's your problem!". On the other hand, maybe future generations will study my writings and build a new society from the rubble of the old one, (and God help us all if this happens).

Most of my comments are posted as short silly Facebook Status Updates. Sometimes the world annoys and frustrates me, or sometimes I'm just making a nerd-inspired observation about the world around me. In the end, I always hope that I can make someone agree, or at the very least smile just a bit.

And please don't think this is a form of narcissism, or arrogance! One of the main reasons I'm doing this, is so I don't accidentally start repeating myself. But if you do find something you particularly enjoy, and want to use, I only ask that you give me credit, (cause I'm not making any money from this! But if you should feel so inclined...).

So it is with great pride, and shame I have logged a general digest of stupidity for you, in what I like to call:

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tron Legacy Review

Growing up, I never liked Disney. There... I said it. No, I haven't been brainwashed by Universal, but honestly, fairy tales and pixie dust just aren't my thing. However, occasionally Disney does slap together something impressive and non-animated, such as The Black Hole (1979), Dragonslayer (1980), and more recently The Pirates of the Caribbean series.

There is one particular Disney movie that has always been near and dear to my heart... Tron (1982).

Sure Tron was released years before I was born (as far as you know!), but it's a classic because it told an interesting and original (and fun!) story about what happens inside your computer. It stood out because it was the first movie to use computer effects to tell a story, which obviously spoke to computer geeks around the world.

Now almost thirty years later, we finally have a sequel: Tron Legacy.

Is it compatible with today's OS, or was it as painful as a blue screen of death... In 3-D...?

The story involves young Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund), who hasn't seen his father, Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges, and our hero from the first Tron) since he was a little brat. Sam grows up to be a bigger brat, pretty much hating 'the man' and fighting the evil establishment that his father's company has become, until one day he discovers how dangerous it is to click 'yes' on every pop-up on your computer. He accidentally gets transported into The Grid (aka inside the world of computers), and forced to play games to survive.

Fortunately for us, he finds his dad pretty much living as a Zen Monk. Unfortunately for everyone in The Grid, one of Flynn's older programs is seeking to destroy all imperfections... Including Users, (aka all of us).

Okay, it's not a great plot, (didn't we see Star Trek do this storyline once before?), but it's good enough to amuse my feeble brain, and it was nice to see some homage's to the original movie as well, (some more obscure than others). Just don't expect huge surprises or wild plot twists... Remember, this is still Disney folks.

What helps the story move nicely is Jeff Bridges, whether real or CGI, he is still very cool and managed to find the same spirit of the character he created in 1982. Another nice choice was actor Garrett Hedlund. Sure they could have picked Johnny Depp, or Shia Lebouf... But thank God they didn't! It was kinda nice seeing an unknown get a big break, and he was very believable as Kevin Flynn's son.

However the biggest nerdgasm goes to the effects! I reluctantly saw this in 3-D, (and we know how much I looooove that *cough*). But this time it worked! Unlike other 3-D attempts of the past, I could enjoy the action, and still kept things in perspective (pun intended). In your face Avatar!

I have total respect for the effects team, and conceptual artists for doing what they needed to do. They took the original 1982 ideas, and improved, not 're-imagined' them. And huge thumbs up to director Joseph Kosinski for letting me see the action, and feel completely immersed in The Grid, without any painful fast closeups and quick edits, or shadows trying to hide the beautiful world they created. My 125 minutes in the theater flew by!

Let us not forget the soundtrack by Daft Punk, adding the perfect tones to the visuals. In addition to the intense thundering sound effects of the giant Recognizer ships and light cycles, I think my eyes and ears discovered every frequency on the spectrum. I left the theater with the most exciting headache ever!

But... the reason you all hate me, is because somehow with all the surrounding coolness, I still find flaws, (however minor they may be). The movie is known as Tron, but we don't get as much from Tron (Bruce Boxleitner) as I would have liked. Sure he makes some appearances, but somehow I wanted a bit more.

And if I'm really nitpicking... the moment Sam gets zapped into The Grid was a bit anticlimactic for me. It just sort of happened, like an afterthought. As if maybe they spent all their money on other effects, and didn't consider for one moment the transition between our world and theirs should be a bit more momentous.

But what do I know...

I still can't decide between Quorra (Olivia Wilde)

And Gem (Beau Garrett)

And I know what you're thinking, “...Deeesher! Those outfits couldn't possibly be tighter!”. Oh yes... yes, I think they could be.

End of line.
Deeesher

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Fat Man Cometh...

Holy crap, is it that time of year again??? Its like we celebrate Christmas every year or something. Ooops... sorry, I mean "The Holidays", because it seems the "C-Word" has become a dirty word.

If I sound a bit cynical towards "The Holidays", maybe its because I am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the concept, its just our follow-through that seems to suck.

But lets look at how many more accidents there are on the roads at this time of year. Or how about the 'holiday cheer' being spread in any of the malls as people frantically push and shove each other for the last remaining PS3, so little eight year old Timmy can play Grand Theft Auto IV, despite the game being rated M, for Mature (18 years and up).

Let's look at all those joyous souls going deeper in debt so they can make someone happy... so they themselves can be miserable for the rest of the year as they continue to get late notices for their credit card bill and eventually have to shut off the cable, *cringe*.

Or how about all the endless feelings of stress and obligation everyone feels to visit the malls, and family and friends and bring them the perfect gift, or prepare the perfect meal. Or the frustration of employees trying to arrange for time off work, or angry demanding customers screaming in their face because they can't give them exactly what they want or need.

How about the incredibly high suicide rate during "The Holidays"? Does that do anything for ya homes?

Despite the fact that Christmas was intended as a Christian holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus, we as a society have twisted this into something... unnatural. Something called Santa Claus, (...insert dramatic music here). Maybe its because December 25th was originally a Pagan holiday celebrating winter. Is all the evil and negativity in the world simply God's way of saying "...pick another day dumbass"?

Well, I for one do not need a calendar to tell me to do something nice for others.

But maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have a personal grudge against this time of year. A grudge that can be traced back to a single moment in grade school in the small mid-western town I grew up in.

I was in the front of the school bus, sitting with my best friend, Scott. We were in a heated debate over the existence of The Claus. I always knew there was no such thing as Santa. Maybe my parents didn't want to give me a twisted sense of reality. Or maybe I was just smart enough to figure out there is no way in hell its possible... since we had no fireplace for him to use. Or maybe its because I was nosy and had a bad habit of finding my presents before they were wrapped anyway.

While my friend and I endlessly debated, I decided to finish it and pulled out my trump card... ask an adult. In hind-sight, I should have known better than to ask a bus driver... but he was the only one around.

You can imagine the Christmas chill I felt when this obvious Harvard graduate bus driver told my friend and I, there IS a Santa. From that day forth, I swore I would have my revenge...!

For those reading with children, and you have chosen this moment to bring them into the real world... I present the following foray into logic, (which I did NOT write by the way... but I wish I had):

Santa Claus:

An Engineering Analysis

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop our of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh an move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75« million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 time the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, the conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Enjoy your eggnog,
Deeesher

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

To John, with Love

I'm a 'Beatles person', as opposed to an 'Elvis person', (see Pulp Fiction deleted scene with Uma Thurman and John Travolta for details. In a nutshell, you can like Beatles and Elvis, but you always prefer one over the other). Which is funny, because my parents are Elvis people, but I never really understood why. He was a performer, and didn't even write his own songs, (but don't try and tell an 'Elvis person' that).

Growing up in an Elvis house, I never got exposed to the Beatles. Of course I knew the classics like Hey Jude, and Let it Be, but I never heard Norwegian Wood, or I am the Walrus until I was over 18. I truly feel, the songs that John and Paul put together are some of the most original, and memorable songs ever written/recorded, and Abbey Road is one of the best albums of all times.

I also believe John Lennon was one of the most fascinating people in history. He was far from perfect, (as his exploits are documented often), but he had a gift, and a vision. Over the years, I have studied the Beatles, and John Lennon, (if you want to know more about John, watch the movie Imagine), and learned a great deal of respect and appreciation for him. That is why the following story is so special to me, even if it may not be true.

When I moved to the Orlando area, from Ft Lauderdale, I began searching for many things, like a decent place to find comic books, because yeah, I'm a bit of a nerd. Since I didn't know the area well, I went to a comic shop that was right around the corner from where I lived. It was a small place, and they didn't have a lot of the comics I collect, but I was desperate for my fix, so I kept going there.

One day, I was in his shop, and I saw on the floor the album Meet The Beatles mixed in with Frampton Comes Alive and Rumours, and other assorted cheese. I commented to the shop owner and asked if he knew what he had just laying on the floor, and he said:

"...yes, are you a fan?"
I said yes, and he said:
"Hold on, I'll show you something."

From the back room, he pulls out the album Imagine and a wool lined wooden cup with glasses in it. He said he got these things from a guy who owed him money, and this was collateral until he could pay him, and here is how that guy originally got them:

Apparently while staying in a hospital, an older man came by and asked if he had an empty bed in his room. The older man was unhappy with his current hospital roommate, so he wanted to change rooms if possible. The guy said sure. A few days later, the older guy gets a visit from John Lennon. John thanked the guy for letting his friend stay in the room, and gave him an autographed album, and the wool cup with the glasses. John said they were an old prescription, so he didn't wear them anymore, and he could have them.

This was what the comic shop owner pulled out from the back room. I looked at the autograph on the album, and I've seen John's autograph on other things, and I guess it looked real, (although I'm no handwriting expert). The interesting thing about the autograph was what it said:

"To Mike, Love John Lennon"

It didn't say to Bob, or Jim, or Bill... it said 'To Mike'.

Just... wow! I felt as if he had written it to me, (I know it wasn't... but hey, isn't it cool to think it was?)

And then came possibly the single most coolest moment of my life. I pulled out the glasses. They were the same you see in the video for Imagine with the yellow/gold tint and round frames. I carefully put them on, and could feel my hands shaking. I was looking through the eyes of John Lennon! They were a very thick prescription. It hurt to try and see, but as I looked down, I imagined holding a guitar, and standing in front of thousands of people on a stadium tour. I took them off and gently put them back into the wool cup. I think it took a week to wipe the smile from my face.

I don't know if these were really John Lennon's glasses or not. It seems odd that something so significant would be sitting in a small comic shop in the middle of nowhere, and that a man would simply give someone these things as collateral... but remember, the name of the song?

Imagine