Dark Knight Rises

Didn't I just review a superhero movie??? Seems like every time I turn around, another one is released. Why can't we have one summer filled with heart-warming, touching stories about two people hopelessly in love but somehow never able to connect. Maybe one of them could be dying from an incurable disease. Either that, or another Rob Schneider movie.

HA! Sorry, I can't continue like that after tasting the bile in my mouth. The truth is, the last few years have been Nerd Mecca in theaters, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And this year, maybe the ultimate in Nerd-vana, is the final chapter in the Christopher Nolan version of Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.

I'm trying to figure out what to say about this movie, because I keep my reviews spoiler-free. But 90% of this movie is spoilers! So... it's got Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale), Bane (Tom Hardy), and Catwoman (Anne Hathaway). That's about all I can tell you.

Yes, I've enjoyed all three of Nolan's Batman movies, and maybe this is the best of them but...

Just so I'm clear, I don't hate director Christopher Nolan. I want to, but I can't. He's like that annoying kid in school that always tries to get attention by eating paste. It's fun, but is it unique? Nolan is very good at telling a story, and I like the way I can see most of the action (unlike other directors I hate *COUGH*j.j. abrams*COUGH*michael bay*COUGH*). However, he tries to make a movie set in the 'real world'. Some people like this. It's just not for me. I always feel like I'm watching an episode of CSI: Gotham City, or Law and Order CGD (Commissioner Gordon District).

At the risk of getting pelted by fan Batarangs, for me, none of Nolan's Batmen, were very epic. I personally never had a moment where I looked at his style and said, “Wow!”. Yes, they've had some very good stories, and amazing acting, (particularly Heath Ledger as Joker from 2008's The Dark Knight), but I had no interest in seeing this in IMAX, because he didn't do anything spectacular. I could save a few bucks and enjoy it equally on a smaller screen.

Speaking of acting... How about that Michael Caine as Alfred! He was seriously underused in the previous Batmans, and I'm very happy to see them take advantage of his talents here. I genuinely felt for Alfred, and I appreciated every moment he was on screen.

Also very noteworthy was Tom Hardy as Bane. If you ignore how he sounds like Darth Vader with a bad accent, and if you ignore that his storyline is much different than the original comic book, he really does a great job with the role. Even when he just stood there, he felt very imposing. He truly made this character come to life!

Everyone else did as expected by the caliber of their talents. Morgan Freeman is always good as Morgan Freeman (Lucius Fox), Gary Oldman was very Commissioner Gordon-y, and Christian Bale made a great Bruce Wayne, but still too gravely and stiff as Batman. And did I mention Anne Hathaway as Catwoman? I wouldn't mind watching a movie with her for three hours... in slow motion.

Yes, Dark Knight Rises is almost three hours long, but it does move along very nicely. It is fun and has some exciting moments with great acting, (and an extra wow to Hans Zimmer for an amazing musical score). But try to forget what you know about the comic books. Try to forget that Batman has many gadgets he never uses here. Try to forget how horrible Christian Bale sounds when talking as Batman. And try to forget everything you may know about the medical profession.

And did I mention Anne Hathaway as Catwoman?

There are some things you never want to forget...

Deeesher

Another Spiderman Movie

%@&#! reboots. I hate them. I throw up in my mouth a bit every time I hear the word. Sure there are occasional happy surprises like the 1978 reboot of 1956's Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or 2009's Friday the 13th, or the 1982 remake of the 1951 movie The Thing (and yes I am ignoring the 2011 reboot here). Even the Fright Night reboot was kind of okay. But sadly, 98% of the time, reboots are only a painful reminder of how stupid most movies of the 21st century are.

But wait... What if you reboot a successful movie franchise that started in the 21st century??? What an amazingly moronic idea! With that, Sony Pictures presents: The Amazing Spider-man! Not to be confused with Spider-man 2002.

Do I really need to tell anyone what this movie is about? It's another origin story. I'm pretty sure everyone in America from 8 to 80 could write an origin story for Spider-man. Radioactive spider bites friendly neighborhood nerd... Do the math. Then add Gwen Stacy and The Lizard.

As much as I loved the 2002 version, this 'reboot' wasn't bad. Sure it had it's flaws, and I would never call it 'Amazing', but it was one more decent superhero movie from a growing list of other enjoyable superhero movies.

Director Marc Webb, does a decent job, but I'll always wonder if he got the job because of his name. You might remember him from one of his other action movies like... um... Well okay, he had a romantic comedy (500 Days of Summer), that I heard was fairly successful. At times his action was the typical quick edits, and close-ups so you couldn't quite see what was going on, but not often enough to annoy. He does deserve a pat on the head for his efforts, but he's no Sam Raimi.

Now let's compare our Peters. Tobey Maguire (2002 Peter) vs Andrew Garfield (2012 Peter). This was a surprisingly close race in my mind. I've always liked Tobey's Peter, but I have to admit, I quickly accepted Garfield's Peter without a second thought. There were moments where I felt Garfield was a bit too cocky, but in the end, he fit nicely.

I was also quick to accept Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben. I was worried I would only see The Illusive Man from Mass Effect, but he was just as good for Peter as Cliff Robertson was in 2002.

Now let's talk about the not-so-amazing parts.

I love Emma Stone. I wouldn't say I'm stalker material yet, but I did consider it after seeing her in Zombieland. However, I couldn't see her as Gwen Stacy, 17 year old high school genius with an internship in a huge high tech facility who has access to every room in the building. But then, what do I know about 17 year old girls these days.

I also thought Doc Connors (aka The Lizard, aka actor Rhys Ifans) was a bit one dimensional. And as impressive as they made The Lizard, they should have made a bit more effort on his face. Is a lizard snout so difficult to animate???

Then we have Sally Field as Aunt May. This worked if you forget everything you know about Aunt May. But I think at this point in her career, Sally Field will always be Sally Field in anything she does. And Denis Leary was a fine Captain Stacy but nothing 'amazing' here either.

The biggest problem this movie suffers from, is retelling another origin story. We know where he came from! You told us a few years ago, and we remember cause you did it right!  If you forget everything you know about Spider-man from comics, or the 2002 version, it's not a bad story.  The things it did well were done very well, but Amazing Spider-man will never be Amazing like The Avengers, or Iron Man, or even 1978 Superman. I give it a pretty good, but I wonder how well tickets to The Pretty Good Spider-man would sell.

Now let's compare it to Electric Company Spider-man, Nicholas Hammond 1977 Spider-man, and of course, Japanese Spider-man!

Deeesher

Something From Me

When I close my eyes

I dream the things  that no one seems to care

When I ask them why they all say

In these times life's just not that fair

Can't they see the way things are

Nothing is for free

But I'm their key and all they want

Is something new from me

I do their work quick as I can

Then there's ten more that wait

Or am I a jerk who just can't learn

And favors are my fate

I try to impress but I do too much

And no one ever does see

Doing my best is all that they need

And all they want is something from me

Do I have a friend I wonder

Is it all an act?

When will it end and what will it take

Before they stab my back

When can I say I need some help

If you could please

Maybe one day they'll tell me they care

And not just want something from me

Prometheus

I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. I know this has been a difficult and confusing experience for many of you, and I realize you have a lot of questions. Fortunately, I'm used to people questioning me, so I will try to handle this as smoothly as possible so we can all get home before dinner.

According to Greek mythology, Prometheus was a Titan, (not a god... perhaps if he applied himself more) who got himself banished to Hades for bringing fire to man. If you should want to visit him, he should still be there where he suffers every day by having his liver eaten out by a bird for his crime... And you thought angry birds only hated pigs.

Prometheus the movie, has nothing to do with any of that.

Do you remember in 1979, when Alien was released, which was a simple monster story in space starring Sigourney Weaver in her underwear? Well Prometheus doesn't have much to do with that either.

So what is Prometheus about?

It appears to be about a bunch of scientists who discover a sort of ancient map to the stars. After leaving most of their common sense at home, they travel millions of light years on the spaceship Prometheus, to visit a planet that is NOT the same planet from the original Alien.

Do you remember the Space Jockey sitting in the big chair with his chest burst open from the original Alien movie? He may (or may not) be in it. Do you remember the crashed ship from Alien? It may (or may not) be in it.

Maybe only Damon Lindelof knows what all this is really about. To me, Damon will always be one of the writers for the TV series Lost. Lost was one of those shows we watched regularly cause everyone said it was cool, even though none of us really understood it. Maybe Damon should have stayed on the island. Okay, maybe he can share a bamboo hut with Prometheus co-writer Jon Spaihts.

However, for as much damage as Damon may (or may not) have caused this movie, Ridley Scott picks up the slack in the most awesome way! It's all sooooo pretty! There is a reason the first Alien and Blade Runner are still popular today. Director Ridley Scott. Visually it is well worth the price of admission and made me want to frame some scenes and display them proudly in my living room above my Alien action figures. Also huge thumbs up to a very creepy surgery scene! And by the way, did anyone else have flashbacks of driving the Mako from Mass Effect ?

We also get some decent characters with equally decent acting. The best of which, is David, (Michael Fassbender). He's the creepy android (or do the kids still call them Synthetics these days?). Charlize Theron was also worth watching as Vickers and convinced us all she had a stick buried rectally. I also enjoyed Noomi Rapace as the eager curious and stupid scientist, Elizabeth Shaw. And why was Guy Pearce playing Peter Weyland, in the worst old man makeup ever??? Were there no older actors available???

It's not that I didn't like this movie. I enjoyed it. But with such a confusing story, and so many moronic decisions from supposedly 'smart' people, it's difficult to say Prometheus was awesome. The internet tells me there may (or may not) be a sequel planned that should tie all these confusing bits together very nicely. Although, we all know how the internet tends to lie to us sometimes.

Anyway... Did I mention we get to see Charlize Theron in her underwear?

In space, no one can hear you drool...

Deeesher

Avengers Review

Dear Joss Whedon, I hate you.  Sure our relationship has had its ups and downs, (ups being things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV series, Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and most recently Cabin in the Woods.  Downs being things like Dollhouse and Alien: Resurrection ).  But this is the last straw.  You humiliated me in front of my friends by proving me wro...  not entirely correct.

We've known about The Avengers movie for a few years now, and I've said repeatedly, it can't be done!  How can anyone successfully combine several major superheroes from Marvel comics, and create a grown-up movie, with a decent plot, plenty of action, and still devote a fair amount of time to each character?

The Ultra Nerds among us have followed the setup of each hero, from their individual origin movies released in recent years.  From Captain America (with Chris Evans, and my review here), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr, in Iron Man 1 and 2, with a review for 2 here), and even The Incredible Hulk, (the 2008 Hulk starring Edward Norton, not the Ang Lee directed 2003 version.  I have decided to disavow the 2003 version for many reasons).  Each character was fully developed in their solo movie, and all was  nicely tied together through teasers featuring Nick Fury (played by the baddest M*F* to ever wear an eye patch, Samuel L. Jackson), and/or Agent Coulson (awesomely played each time by Clark Gregg)... and in the case of Iron Man, Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) *insert yummy sounds here*.
 
And now, you bring them all together to battle Loki, (Tom Hiddleston), aka Thor's brother.  Loki wants to enslave mankind because... well, because he can.  And if anyone wears a helmet with horns that big, I say you can do pretty much anything you want at that point.

I have said the only way this could work, is in a TV series.  I've said the plot will suffer.  I've said one hero will be the focus, and everyone else will be secondary.  Joss, I hate you, because somehow... you made it all work.

The characters were equally balanced and nobody was a main focus.  The story was simple enough but well written enough to work.  And your directing...  I could see the action clearly, and many scenes could have been taken out of the movie and made into a beautiful painting, suitable for framing your favorite hero and sold for way too much money at any Comic-con.  I regularly found myself grinning like a nerd discovering a box of golden age comics in mint condition in a forgotten box in his attic.  Why would you do this to me???

Well, before you start thinking you're perfect, I did find a few minor flaws, (and I use the word 'flaws' very loosely here).  Banner/Hulk (this time played by Mark Ruffalo) has always been a personal favorite of mine, so the super-nerd in me wants to protect his story and keep it safely sealed in a Mylar Bag with a board behind it.  His origin story and Hulk's behavior felt a bit conveniently written as if hoping nobody would notice.  It all seemed a bit shady to me.  And Mark Ruffalo himself mostly worked well, but at times he looked more like Reed Richards with that bit of grey in his hair.  And remember how impressive Hulk looked in his own movie?  Your version felt a bit too CGI in places.

I would also have liked to have learned a bit more about Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (did I mention yummy?), since they didn't get an origin movie.  But with a running time of 142 minutes, I can understand why many details were maybe edited out.  I imagine many things will be restored in the Blu-ray release.  Might I also suggest including several slow motion scenes of Black Widow getting in and out of her outfit?

But otherwise, you did it right, and this is truly a nerd fantasy come to life...  And I hate you for proving me wro... whatever.
Sincerely,
Deeesher

Now that I have that out of the way...

Dear Scarlett Johanson, I love you...