Prometheus

I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. I know this has been a difficult and confusing experience for many of you, and I realize you have a lot of questions. Fortunately, I'm used to people questioning me, so I will try to handle this as smoothly as possible so we can all get home before dinner.

According to Greek mythology, Prometheus was a Titan, (not a god... perhaps if he applied himself more) who got himself banished to Hades for bringing fire to man. If you should want to visit him, he should still be there where he suffers every day by having his liver eaten out by a bird for his crime... And you thought angry birds only hated pigs.

Prometheus the movie, has nothing to do with any of that.

Do you remember in 1979, when Alien was released, which was a simple monster story in space starring Sigourney Weaver in her underwear? Well Prometheus doesn't have much to do with that either.

So what is Prometheus about?

It appears to be about a bunch of scientists who discover a sort of ancient map to the stars. After leaving most of their common sense at home, they travel millions of light years on the spaceship Prometheus, to visit a planet that is NOT the same planet from the original Alien.

Do you remember the Space Jockey sitting in the big chair with his chest burst open from the original Alien movie? He may (or may not) be in it. Do you remember the crashed ship from Alien? It may (or may not) be in it.

Maybe only Damon Lindelof knows what all this is really about. To me, Damon will always be one of the writers for the TV series Lost. Lost was one of those shows we watched regularly cause everyone said it was cool, even though none of us really understood it. Maybe Damon should have stayed on the island. Okay, maybe he can share a bamboo hut with Prometheus co-writer Jon Spaihts.

However, for as much damage as Damon may (or may not) have caused this movie, Ridley Scott picks up the slack in the most awesome way! It's all sooooo pretty! There is a reason the first Alien and Blade Runner are still popular today. Director Ridley Scott. Visually it is well worth the price of admission and made me want to frame some scenes and display them proudly in my living room above my Alien action figures. Also huge thumbs up to a very creepy surgery scene! And by the way, did anyone else have flashbacks of driving the Mako from Mass Effect ?

We also get some decent characters with equally decent acting. The best of which, is David, (Michael Fassbender). He's the creepy android (or do the kids still call them Synthetics these days?). Charlize Theron was also worth watching as Vickers and convinced us all she had a stick buried rectally. I also enjoyed Noomi Rapace as the eager curious and stupid scientist, Elizabeth Shaw. And why was Guy Pearce playing Peter Weyland, in the worst old man makeup ever??? Were there no older actors available???

It's not that I didn't like this movie. I enjoyed it. But with such a confusing story, and so many moronic decisions from supposedly 'smart' people, it's difficult to say Prometheus was awesome. The internet tells me there may (or may not) be a sequel planned that should tie all these confusing bits together very nicely. Although, we all know how the internet tends to lie to us sometimes.

Anyway... Did I mention we get to see Charlize Theron in her underwear?

In space, no one can hear you drool...

Deeesher

Avengers Review

Dear Joss Whedon, I hate you.  Sure our relationship has had its ups and downs, (ups being things like Buffy the Vampire Slayer the TV series, Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, and most recently Cabin in the Woods.  Downs being things like Dollhouse and Alien: Resurrection ).  But this is the last straw.  You humiliated me in front of my friends by proving me wro...  not entirely correct.

We've known about The Avengers movie for a few years now, and I've said repeatedly, it can't be done!  How can anyone successfully combine several major superheroes from Marvel comics, and create a grown-up movie, with a decent plot, plenty of action, and still devote a fair amount of time to each character?

The Ultra Nerds among us have followed the setup of each hero, from their individual origin movies released in recent years.  From Captain America (with Chris Evans, and my review here), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr, in Iron Man 1 and 2, with a review for 2 here), and even The Incredible Hulk, (the 2008 Hulk starring Edward Norton, not the Ang Lee directed 2003 version.  I have decided to disavow the 2003 version for many reasons).  Each character was fully developed in their solo movie, and all was  nicely tied together through teasers featuring Nick Fury (played by the baddest M*F* to ever wear an eye patch, Samuel L. Jackson), and/or Agent Coulson (awesomely played each time by Clark Gregg)... and in the case of Iron Man, Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) *insert yummy sounds here*.
 
And now, you bring them all together to battle Loki, (Tom Hiddleston), aka Thor's brother.  Loki wants to enslave mankind because... well, because he can.  And if anyone wears a helmet with horns that big, I say you can do pretty much anything you want at that point.

I have said the only way this could work, is in a TV series.  I've said the plot will suffer.  I've said one hero will be the focus, and everyone else will be secondary.  Joss, I hate you, because somehow... you made it all work.

The characters were equally balanced and nobody was a main focus.  The story was simple enough but well written enough to work.  And your directing...  I could see the action clearly, and many scenes could have been taken out of the movie and made into a beautiful painting, suitable for framing your favorite hero and sold for way too much money at any Comic-con.  I regularly found myself grinning like a nerd discovering a box of golden age comics in mint condition in a forgotten box in his attic.  Why would you do this to me???

Well, before you start thinking you're perfect, I did find a few minor flaws, (and I use the word 'flaws' very loosely here).  Banner/Hulk (this time played by Mark Ruffalo) has always been a personal favorite of mine, so the super-nerd in me wants to protect his story and keep it safely sealed in a Mylar Bag with a board behind it.  His origin story and Hulk's behavior felt a bit conveniently written as if hoping nobody would notice.  It all seemed a bit shady to me.  And Mark Ruffalo himself mostly worked well, but at times he looked more like Reed Richards with that bit of grey in his hair.  And remember how impressive Hulk looked in his own movie?  Your version felt a bit too CGI in places.

I would also have liked to have learned a bit more about Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (did I mention yummy?), since they didn't get an origin movie.  But with a running time of 142 minutes, I can understand why many details were maybe edited out.  I imagine many things will be restored in the Blu-ray release.  Might I also suggest including several slow motion scenes of Black Widow getting in and out of her outfit?

But otherwise, you did it right, and this is truly a nerd fantasy come to life...  And I hate you for proving me wro... whatever.
Sincerely,
Deeesher

Now that I have that out of the way...

Dear Scarlett Johanson, I love you...

Boldly Going Where No Blog Should Go

This may come as a shock to some of you… but I’m a bit of a nerd. While I try to maintain a certain amount of coolness, at the end of the day, I’m just a big dweeb.

I try to balance my dork-dom with a bit of cool, by having a cool job, (well, its SUPPOSED to be cool anyway…), and by having varied musical tastes ranging from cool artists like Coldplay, Green Day, Beatles, Stone Temple Pilots and Neil Young; (well, some people say they're cool), to the not so cool, like… well, that’s kind of why I brought you all here today.

How would everyone feel if I say the name… William Shatner?

Yea, that’s kind of what I thought.

William Shatner is known for having a very ‘set-phasers-on-cringe’ musical styling. He is most commonly known for butchering Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, which is accepted as one of the worst cover songs of all time. George Clooney has said he would bring this song with him if he was stranded on a deserted island because, “…If you listen to [this song], you will hollow out your own leg and make a canoe out of it to get off this island.” Ironically, I felt the same way about watching your Batman & Robin, George.

Check out Shatner’s classic rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man.

In the end, I respect this because it’s so bad… it’s good. Say what you want, but I do enjoy cheesy cover songs. I loved his versions of songs on the MTV movie awards years ago, and I enjoy the over-acting goodness of his Priceline commercials too.

So, when I accidently came across his 2004 song, Common People, I loved it! It was fun, and pop-rocky and really made you want to build a shrine towards all things Shatty. So, I got the entire album it was featured on, called Has Been.

Here’s where things get weird…

I expected big, over-the-top goofy Shatner. But, while listening to him doing a song about a man trying to meet his estranged daughter, and a song about a man striving for success but finding none, and then hearing him do a monologue on finding his wife in the pool after she overdosed on alcohol and valium, I began to realize… this is serious.

But here’s the twist… its good! I mean, NOT in a goofy over-acting sort of way, (although there are a few goofy songs on here), but in a well written, and well performed sort of way.

Not only is Shatner’s dialogue extremely enjoyable and heartfelt, the music is incredibly well produced and performed. Turn’s out there is a reason for this, by the name of Ben Folds, who produced and co-wrote many of the songs with him. It also features, Joe Jackson, who does the vocals on Common People, Aimee Mann, who does vocals on another song, and Henry Rollins on yet another. Isn’t this one of the signs of the apocalypse when Henry Rollins performs with William Shatner???

I don’t think The Shat did an actual video for anything from this album, (surprisingly), but I did find a live version when he performed on Jay Leno. While not quite as good as the CD version, this is still pretty decent.

Joe Jackson & William Shatner - Common People by Pius35

Bill (as close personal friends like me call him), recently released Seeking Major Tom, which didn't impress me as much.  Maybe he needs someone like Ben Folds, who understands him.  Maybe someone like me, (call me, Bill!). 

At this point, I usually make some attempt to summarize and wind this blog up… but I think I’ve said too much already.

DISCLAIMER

The picture on my profile is edited in Photoshop, and NOT me dressing up to go to the conventions.

Id like to say I still have some dignity but... okay, yes I've gone to conventions dressed up.  But NOT as any Star Trek characters!  

...Yet,

Deeesher

Oh Captain My Captain... America

Yay for World War II!!! Wait... That came out very wrong, (although maybe a bit better than saying Yay for Hitler!). But you have to admit, without World War II, we wouldn't have awesome things like Raiders of the Lost Ark, or Werewolf Women of the SS, or Nazi Zombies... or Captain America!

I know what you're saying now, “But Deeesher, how can you say Captain America is awesome when you don't own any of his comic books!” First, what makes you think I collect comic books? Oh... *sigh*. And second, you're right, I have never had any interest in Cap (as his friends call him). In fact, he always seemed like a virus that just wouldn't go away! Every time I turned around, Captain America was making an appearance somewhere. Not really doing anything, just looking... buff. And when I first heard about the movie version, I did some serious eye rolling. You know, it was the same eye rolling I did when I heard about Thor, and Green Lantern, and another re-boot of Spider-man, and The upcoming Avengers movie. I'm all for a good comic book movie but I'm starting to wonder if everyone has run out of original ideas. Wait... don't answer that.

Because I'm not familiar with the original Captain America comic, I'm not entirely sure of his origin, so I have nothing to base the premise of this movie on, beyond what I know. And from what I know, it seemed authentic enough. Most of the movie takes place in 1940's at the height of World War II. And all hail director Joe Johnston who kept everything looking very authentically 1940's, with all it's dull earth tones, and the massive machine's and their giant dials and levers to the innocent sounding dialogue. Nobody said golly gee whiz, but I prepared myself for the possibility.

So we have overly eager but digitally shrunken and wussy-looking Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) trying to be all he can be in the army, when one day a kindly old scientist (Stanley Tucci) takes an interest in him (a story we've heard a million times before). After shooting him up with tons of experimental drugs, he comes out big and buff... sort of like me, (as far as you know), and eager to fight bad guys like Red Skull, (played by Hugo Weaving who made a great Elf, and Agent, and now he makes a great Nazi).

It's a simple plot, with some good action which makes it easy for my tiny brain to digest. And I'm far from patriotic (if you're really brave, read my political views here), but what makes Captain America work, is he is a hero! Sure most every country in the world hates us (with good reason) but I think most any country would be proud to have this man represent them. It just so happens that he has the name America, and not *insert country name here followed by obvious stereotype regarding said country here*. He put it all in perspective at the beginning of the movie, when they asked if he wanted to kill Nazi's. He said, “I don't want to kill anybody. I don't like bullies; I don't care where they're from.” That is a hero I can respect!

I saw Captain America: The First Avenger (the official title... whatever), in 3D (whatever again). I feel the same about 3D as I do all these comic book movies. Sometimes it works, but most times it seems unnecessary. This time, it sometimes worked, but you could save the extra few bucks and see it in two dimensions and your life will be just fine.

It was nice to see a director who knows how to edit a good action scene so you can actually see the action (what a concept!), but there isn't much about the overall style (beyond the bland 40's look) that jumped out and overly impressed me. I also thought, as impressive as the digitally shrunken Chris Evans was, they should have done something with his voice. It just seemed a bit odd hearing this deep manly voice coming from such a tiny body.

There is definitely a lot to enjoy about this movie so go check it out. And finally, if you're hoping for something sexy in your 40's flick, check out these gams...!

Yea, if you're not into staring at Chris Evans overly manly sized body (and why would anyone want to see that???), Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) showing off a bit of leg is as sexy as it gets for you...

Deeesher

Who's Blog

If you are not watching the newest Doctor Who, (which airs everywhere from BBC America, Sci-Fi Channel, and yes, even PBS [???]), then you're IDIOTS!!

I have been watching this show since the revival in 2005 with Christopher Eccleston, and can I just say... wow!

Now, I say 2005, but 'unofficially', this is an ongoing series that started in 1963. Yes, I said 1963! There was a big gaping hole between some seasons, but that didn't stop Guinness Book of World Records from calling this the longest running television series ever, (take that Trekkies/Trekkers or whatever you call yourselves this week).

I confess I never watched it before the 2005 revival. And while I know for some that may be grounds for turning in my nerd-card, but... seriously, look at my profile picture... do I have anything to worry about?

The main reason I never watched it before was because when I saw the occasional 70's episode in the past, it would always be in the middle of some obscure story arc, and I have no idea what's happening, so I just never bothered to watch, beyond the cool intro music.

Fortunately, the BBC in all its genius has chosen to continue this series and for the most part, each episode stands alone, so you don't have to watch every one to know what's going on. Sure, there is an overall story arc that often ties things together, and it would help if you saw this episode, or that one... but its not required viewing thankfully!

All you need to know is that The Doctor is an alien called a Timelord, and he travels around in his time machine called the Tardis, that looks like an old British police call box, (the part that alters the appearance of the Tardis... um... broke, so its stuck in this form). When The Doctor dies, he conveniently regenerates, giving him a new appareance, (which is handy for whenever anyone's contract is up, or they decide they don't want to return for another season).

He is mostly just a curious explorer that bad things tend to happen to. And normally he finds a curious female friend who just happens to be from earth, and happens to be attractive to travel with him to keep him company.

Here in the US, we are starving for decent science fiction. Sadly, all we have is the occasional better than average Star Trek's, or the New Battlestar Galactica... *insert taste of bile here*, and read my views on it here), and fortunately for us, someone at the BBC knows how to write it!

Doctor Who is real science fiction writing, with unique aliens, stories that are waaaaay outside of the box, (umm... no pun intended... police box... get it?), and very engaging characters.

I got hooked on the show watching Christopher Eccleston as the ninth Doctor, and then feel in love (heterosexually... for the most part) with David Tennant as the tenth Doctor, (if anyone's counting), and he was so much fun to watch! He's a bit psychotic, (but in a good fun sorta way), as well as energetic, fun, goofy, and extremely passionate. I can't say enough about what an amazing actor this man is! He has really helped give the extra kick to already fantastic storylines! (I'm just going to go ahead and put an exclaimation mark at the end of every line in this blog now, cause I'm that excited about this show!).

Find this show whenever it airs, record it, watch it, and then send a nasty letter to all the ....US.... networks saying WTF?!?! The ....UK.... has this, while we get a reality show about The Cape, or 16 and Pregnant?!??!! Seriously people!!

Now, lets talk about Martha and Rose!!

mmmmmm....!!!!

Check out the official website here !!!

Sorry this blog isn't longer, but now I'm off to check out the spin-off called Torchwood!!

Oh but wait... this is version 2.0 of this blog!
I've seen all of the first season of Torchwood!!
Its.... okay... I like characters.

But wait again!!!
Matt Smith is the eleventh Doctor and I'm still loving it!!!

But wait one more time!!!
How about seeing a short eight minute 'transition' video that was made before season 4 began?!?!

This short was created for a special on BBC, and pays homage to one of the original Doctors. Peter Davison returns to interact with the new Doctor. Maybe in this short segment you can appreciate how interesting this character is to watch. It is particularly interesting because David Tennant grew up watching Peter Davison as the Doctor, which is why he has the wonderful comment "...you were my Doctor." Enjoy!!

B.S. Galactica

It seems every week, there is a new crappy remake being made. But there is one particular crappy remake that has somehow managed to brainwash all of society! I constantly try to express just how bad this show is (was since it ended), but somehow, everyone feels I am the clueless idiot, (which may or may not be true, but not regarding this particular issue!). For me, this is a travesty still haunting our hearts and minds... I'm speaking of the New Battlestar Galactica.

Oh I heard the collective *gasp* from all of you B.S. Galactica lovers out there! I don't want to hear it! Especially since this is my blog. Let me take a moment to enlighten the world and maybe together, we can try to figure out just what went wrong...

Set your wayback machine to the year, 1978. Only a year after a little known movie named Star Wars hit local theaters, but a year before Buck Rogers in the 25th Century hit television screens, (mmmm... Wilma Deering in spandex pants...). You know the time, the same year as The Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferigno aired, (WOW, what a kick ass era... if not for all that pesky disco).

A simple man by the name of Glen A. Larson, finally gets a script that he had been working on for the last ten years produced into a movie, named Battlestar Galactica.
It really is quite a shame that little Glen A. did not have more success. Instead he just kept cranking out flop after flop, like The Fugitive, It Takes a Thief, Quincy M.E., McCloud, BJ and the Bear, Manimal, Magnum P.I., Fall Guy, and Knight Rider to name a few. Maybe if he had better luck, one or two of these shows would have been a success, (for those of you not paying attention, that entire paragraph was thickly laced in sarcasm).

Now where was I? Oh yes, 1978...



This show had EVERYTHING! It had space battles (with lasers!), gun battles (with lasers!), scary robot creatures with funny voices trying to kill mankind, (aka cylons), it had humor, originality, a GREAT theme song (check it out here), adventure, suspense, drama, and some very impressive Shakespearean type of actors.

Ok, let me qualify the above statement... This show had its, corny bits too, which are most obvious in the goofy mechanical dog, and a couple of episodes that were just not well written. In fact, out of the 17 episodes (or so... some were two or three parts), that were made, many believe only three of them were any good. I think there were maybe five or six that were fantastic, but that's it. Otherwise, the show had GREAT potential.

What made it particularly good, was that it was based on action/adventure, with a very insightful inspiring leader, (Commander Adama played by the late great Lorne Greene), and was essentially a buddy show. Apollo and Starbuck were opposites in many ways, but yet whatever they bumbled through, worked in the end, and usually involved lots of explosions, and we had fun along the way. It was very much in the style of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, (lets not discuss the attempts Lucas made to sue the show here).

Unfortunately, due to a HUGE price tag per episode, Universal Studios decided not to re-new the series for a second season, (go figure... Universal Studios trying to save a buck... weird). Fans were outraged and begged for more. Richard Hatch, (who played Apollo) was outraged and demanded more. For years, he fought very hard to get his version of Galactica aired. He had a vision of a new series picking up years after the original ended, where Apollo was now commanding Galactica.

For reasons that scientists will spend years trying to unravel, Hatch's Galactica was not developed... however, another.... gentleman, by the name of Ronald D. Moore FINALLY got the okay to do HIS version of the series.



In the essence of fairness, lets take a look at Ron's resume. Well, looky here... there are random episodes of Star Trek, (Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, AND Voyager), as well as First Contact (Star Trek 8 for those keeping score), Roswell, G vs. E (THAT was a great show FYI), Mission Impossible II, and Carnivale (which I have heard good things about)... and that's about it.

With that in mind, one might think Ronald has his finger on the pulse of science fiction... lets watch what happens, shall we?

First on Ron's list of things to do... make Starbuck a woman. Not a fun, happy-go-lucky rogue like the original mind you... just a total bitch. While we're at it, lets also make Boomer (originally cast as a black man), an Asian woman (well, it is Grace Park, sooooo...).

And to cut down on the budget, lets not feature the mechanical cylons on every episode... IN FACT, lets just say they look human now! Hey, it worked for the Terminator, so it will be even better here!

Lets also get rid of any pesky "lasers" and just have regular bullets. Lets also have every episode deal with things people can easily relate to, so nobody has to actually 'think' while watching this show. Things like, abortion, breast cancer, alcoholism, religion, and rigged elections just to name a few.

And so we can save money on a wardrobe person, lets give the cast regular suits and ties, and glasses to wear. You know, modern clothes, because I'm sure billions of light years away, people in space wear the same types of things we do.
While we're at it, lets higher a drunk cameraman so the camera doesn't hold still on any particular shots just so our audience doesn't get bored and fall asleep watching one steady shot.

I watched the first mini-series, with low expectations, but an open mind. Sadly, I was more disappointed than I'd anticipated. It just sucked. I WANTED to like this show, but it really just wasn't that good. Maybe.... MAYBE, if they had called it something else, I might have accepted it a bit easier... but this was most definitely NOT Battlestar Galactica.

And in the history of bad television, the show got picked up for a series. So, again I think, ok... I will continue to give it a try. Maybe something will impress me somewhere.

Nope.
For almost six episodes, I kept waiting, but they were all the same sappy crap. There was no action. There was no adventure. The 'buddy' thing was completely gone. The inspirational version of Adama was replaced by the ultra-depressing Edward James Olmos. The cool cylon voices were gone... as were the cool cylons for that matter. When we DO get to see a cylon (every fourth episode or so for a tenth of a second of screen time), they look very cool.

In the end, I gave up on this show... until...

People started talking about it. People everywhere were telling me, "...Deeesher, you should watch it, its really getting good!" So... me being one that will forever give into peer pressure, I tried again.

I just finished watching both the first and second season, and I have to admit... it STILL sucks!

I am so sick of all their sappy issues, and constant whiny attitudes about everything! Or, maybe that's just the drunken cameraman making me sick.
Why is everyone saying this show is good? Someone explain to me, because I don't get it. Maybe one or two episodes were... interesting at best, but I see ZERO elements of science fiction in this series. The only sci-fi elements I see are the fact that they are in space, and that cylons 'clone/download' themselves after they die.

Maybe people say its good because the public is starved for a good sci-fi series. Check your tv listings. Do you see anything current that could be even remotely considered science fiction? Well, Stargate, (whatever), and Smallville, but I don't think that counts since it was only good for the first four seasons, and Smallville wasn't a 'space' story, and the new Doctor Who, (not a fan of the older ones, but this is VERY good! Click here to hear me sing its praises), and Heroes, which I loved the first season, then slowly started going downhill just before it's cancellation *sigh*.

Wait, there is ONE element of science fiction in this series. Its was re-newed for a THIRD season.

By the way... did I mention Grace Park?



Deeesher

It's Alive

On April 1, 2008, I documented my experience twelve hours after having an Aneurysmal Bone Cyst removed from my foot (or ABC... WTF???). It was something that just randomly starting growing in my foot, (which was originally diagnosed as Tendonitis, which I attributed to too much ass-kicking). In the MRI, it looks sort of like a coral reef where the bone should be. It was my first surgery ever, and hopefully my last. Although it was not as traumatic as I worried it might be, I thought maybe historian's would want to read about my thoughts before, during and after. I felt fine, but maybe my words show how heavily drugged I really was? Decide for yourself after reading... It's Alive!

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If I died during my surgery, then I am writing this as a disembodied spirit... and how cool is that! On the other hand, it means that I am roaming the earth with some unfinished task, or I am in hell, which looks a lot like the real world.

Since it seems I am alive, I thought I would document my experience this morning, instead of repeating myself over and over. Oh, that's right... not everyone reads my blogs, so I'll have to repeat this story over and over anyway.

I discovered last night that I have an addiction... to water. I was almost going into cold sweats after midnight when I was told I couldn't eat or drink anything until after my surgery. There is nothing worse than someone telling you to not do something. My inner child was throwing a tantrum. I would have screamed, but my mouth was way too dry.

Since I worked last night, I didn't sleep and went online to search out some much needed porn to help create valuable drool that my dry mouth needed due to the absence of water. I also needed the distraction to not think about someone hacking into my foot in a few hours, and something to keep me awake so I wouldn't need much anesthesia to put me to sleep, if any.

Reluctantly, I left at 5:30am with my woman and my parents (who drove all the way from Indiana to hang out with me this week to listen to me complain... what are parents for?).

It is important to note that the zoo is right next to the hospital. I had images of my parents dropping me off at the wrong one, or simply returning to the zoo for a replacement for me if anything went wrong.

At 6:00am, we arrived, (at the hospital, not the zoo... I think). Twenty minutes later, they called me back and let me take ONE other person with me. After much finger pointing from everyone, my mom went back with me. Is it that she stepped forward, or did the other two simply step back?

They lead us to the prep room, where they told me to remove all my clothes and put on this unbelievably fashionable green gown. I did ask if I could keep on my underwear, and she assured me that I could because my Talus bone (the one about to be operated on), was not there. At least I could have some dignity... until they put on the silver fluorescent night cap. At that point, I was very eager for some good drugs.

But, I was denied the drugs, and simply had to wait... and wait... and freakin' wait! I began to think this was an elaborate April Fools joke, (oh like you wouldn't laugh your ass off seeing me dressed like that!). Fortunately, my mom was very helpful at passing the time, since she is the best talker in the world. She could go on endlessly for 30 minutes about a piece of lint she found in her laundry.

An HOUR AND A HALF LATER, someone finally showed up! They asked me a series of questions, and wrote down a bunch of things... and then 30 seconds later, someone else showed up, and they asked me a series of questions... wait, didn't the other nurse just ask me that? Then 2 minutes later, someone ELSE showed up and asked me a series of questions... the SAME freakin' questions! Was this a test??

Were they waiting for me to screw up?? I was ready to just write it all out and point to the answers. Maybe in the future, scientists will develop some type of 'chart' technology, where they write everything out so anyone can read it.

During all these questions, one nurse chose to start jabbing me in the arm with a sharp needle. Was this finally the good drugs I've been so desperately waiting for?? Alas... no, only some antibiotic.

Then, it seems they decided to ignore me again. So, we waited, and waited... and waited... Then they told me I could have my other visitors come in to see me if they wanted to. So, my mom went and got them. I told them I was still painfully very coherent.

My nervousness became frustration as I continued to wait for SOMETHING to start happening, (would it be wrong to say I was 'im-patient'?).

Finally, someone came in to wheel me back to surgery. *gulp* WAIT! THE DRUGS!!! I STILL FEEL EVERYTHING!!!

I arrived in the operating room with two giant big screen tv's each displaying my heartbeat and other fancy information about me. As I watched all the bodies frantically preparing everything around me, I realized something very important... this day was all about me! Wait... is that country music they're playing??? NOOOOOOOO!!

Then someone shoved a gas mask over my mouth and nose, telling me it was some oxygen, and to breathe deep. Two breaths later, I was out like a light. You would think I would notice someone taking a knife and hacking deeply into ankle bone, but I slept through the whole thing. I know I dreamed, but I can't remember. Maybe I was dreaming about someone hacking into the bone of my ankle.

I was woken by a nurse telling me it was all over. It felt like nothing. No, really, I mean it. I sat up and watched all the other nurses, and patients laying around in the post-op room. I felt very talkative actually. I began to try to have a conversation with everyone passing by because... it was OVER!

Apparently they even shoved a tube down my throat, (oh, not while I was trying to talk, but during the surgery), and yes it felt a bit scratchy, but I was fine. I couldn't help feel a bit awkward when I realized none of the other recovering patients were talking. I then thought, maybe I should just shut the hell up.

By 2pm, I was home, and in bed. But I wasn't really tired. For those looking to 'score', the prescription I was given, is "Lortab"... sorry. I was originally promised Percocet.

I'm home, hobbling around on crutches for now, and other than feeling like my entire foot is encased in concrete, I feel like nothing happened.

For those with the foot fetish, my doctor plans to unwrap me in a couple weeks, then I get to wear my big S/M boot.

Trust me, you'll understand when you see.

Deeesher